Whenever a character in a book praises the cleverness of another character’s idea, it’s really just the author praising their own idea.
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Just got ejected from my son’s little league game for arguing with the ump. I didn’t really care about the call, I just got bored and needed an excuse to leave.
If I had a bodyguard, I’m pretty sure he’d just spend most of his time sighing and saying “Don’t eat that…”
Me: My therapist says I use sex for validation.
Parking garage attendant: Not here you don’t, pal.
So this one time I was really upset and crying and this kid was like, “are you upset about your nose?” and I’ve never been so thoroughly owned by a child
You really shouldn’t drive when you’re tired.
fedex guy: here’s ur package
me: thanks
fedex guy: sign please
me: [blushing] Pisces
pls suprot
How come you only hear about folks being distraught? No one’s ever like, “I’m good, Bro. I’m traught as hell.”
“The Last Voyage of the Demeter” is too long a title. Personally , I would have called it “Bitey Boat”.
Me: you know what’s sexy?
Mirror: no
doctor: you fell 5 feet and hit your head. you might have some brain damage
me: did i break my legs?
doctor: it was only 5 feet
me: and they’re ALL broken?!
KITTEN: *flailing wildly*
MAMA CAT: hey would you knock it off
KITTEN: *slaps tv remote onto the floor*
MAMA CAT: excellent
friend: make her feel wanted
me: okay
[later]
me: *tossing photo at table of bounty hunters* this is your target
Yet again, autocorrect leads me ashtray.
Confuse people by complimenting them, but with a tone that implies you’re really surprised
The easiest way to bundle your home and auto insurance is to live in your car.
When you write lyrics as bad as “I got soul but I’m not a soldier” it’s important to repeat it exactly 10 times in a row so nobody misses it
Malicious compliance at its best. Reap what you sow.
Getting married at 22 sounds a lot like leaving a party at 9:30pm.
Him: [running his fingers through my hair] is… is this part of a cookie?
i dont have time for this
worm: sorry i slept in hey where is everyone
[Whole Foods]
ME: Where are all the donuts?
CASHIER: We uh…we don’t sell donuts
ME: Well what other hole foods are there?!
i lost my sunglasses in the laundry a couple days ago & asked the super to keep an eye out. today he found them & told me in detail exactly what happened: “i saw the security video. you were eating a bag of chips & they fell off when you tilted your head back to finish the bag”
Hearing them call a 25 year old hockey player a ‘veteran’ and a 28 year old player ‘old’ has done zilch for my self esteem today
My husband asked for a back scratcher for Father’s Day so apparently my days are numbered
My kid: Hey mom, do we stop growing when we get older?
Me: *with a mouthful of mashed potatoes* Not in my experience honey
HIM: *turning the heat down* You have the heat too high!
HER: *turning it up* No, YOU have the heat too LOW!
MARRIAGE COUNSELOR: Stop that, this is my office.
[leaving 5 minute voicemail] …and you can reach me at [deep breath] *says phone number as fast as possible, slurring the numbers together*