I always roll out of bed. Not even morning can trick me into doing a sit-up
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They say you should throw out anything you haven’t used in six months. There goes the vacuum.
McDonalds could burn to the ground and I bet the fries would still be cold
remember: knives and alcohol don’t mix. knives are solid they don’t mix with anything. why where you trying to drink a knife anyways idiot
If Yoga is hot and out of breath, what does Yoga do?
Yoga pants.
you have three unread messages
Waiter: would you like a little quiche before your main sir?
Me: ok, but no tongue
Thank you to all those people doing boring jobs with titles we don’t understand.
I’m not saying it rains a lot in the UK, but I am amazed we don’t get more medieval-style terrified by the occasional snatched glimpses of a giant ball of fire in the sky.
I told the hubs someone must’ve broke in and stole his phone charger.
He’ll believe that before he’ll agree he misplaced it somewhere.
A wine sampling? How delightful. I’d also like to experience only a titch of love and a morsel of happiness.
All day: I’m so tired I could cry
12:30 am: Not only should I write a musical, I should do it right now
my son referred to me as “the 6 dwarfs” because I’m “everything except happy,” and honestly I’m not even mad, that was amazing
[waxing salon]
ME: I need to make a waxing appointment.
ASSOCIATE: You want a Brazilian?
ME: No, I don’t need that many.
What you call “Brunch” I call “Breakfast for Alcoholics.”
Hey Hotels! Stop keeping decaf coffee in the rooms. If I’m late and need to rush out the last thing I need is a cup of zero energy water that tastes like the Great Depression.
I’ve met all my fitness goals by integrating a balanced diet of lower standards.
For introverts, the worse kind of head-on collision is running directly into the person we’re avoiding at the grocery store
Nothing like that magical moment when you find your 7yo playing quietly in his room, ‘cause he just brought in real bugs to feed his imaginary lizard.
Her ~ That smells expensive what is it?
Me ~ Kerosene…
HIP-STAR WARS:
Obi Wan Quinoa-be VS. Darth Vaper
God spoketh unto Noah and The Lord sayeth “build an ark.” God spoketh once more and The Lord sayeth “Simon says build an ark” and it was so.
[4 y/o sticking charger into goldfish]
Me: WTF ARE YOU DOING
4 y/o: he died dad
Me: …
4 y/o: …
Me: well hurry up my phone is at 9%
When #EgyptAir announced “he’s not a terrorist, just an idiot” My ex wife phoned to see if it was me.
Assert dominance by getting comfy in your dogs bed whenever they get up and leave the room
Someone asked me what was my favorite moment of 2021, and without a doubt it was when I searched for my phone in the dark by using the flashlight on my phone.
I’m buying a telescope so I can sell it at a garage sale in six years
HOT SINGLE MUMS IN YOUR AREA ARE LOOKING FOR YOU!
Oh god I hope it’s not another bake sale
When people do a bunny impression they go straight for the cute little front paws. Not me. I fearfully sprint into traffic.
Sorry I changed your ringtone to Salt-N-Pepa’s “push it” and called you a bunch of times during your colonoscopy.
[First date]
Her: i’m a criminal lawyer, what do you do?
Me: really, well it just so happens that I… (trying to impress her) …am a criminal