@BeTheCookie

I always run towards screaming. Sure, it could be a horrible murder in progress. BUT it could also be ice cream.

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@Senor_LongDong

Phlebotomist: Have you had blood drawn before, sir?

Rambo: *semi-unintelligible* first, first part II, and last

@ShrinkMedia

If I wake and then I bake, I pray The Lord for chocolate cake. Amen.

@murrman5

im no good at video games
“no one is at first just give it a shot”
alright
*presses start and mario just sits down*

@berikerimeri

Karma: Do you believe in me?
World: No
Karma: How’s 2020 treating you?

@fuzzlime

I take great pride in the fact that I have told you “the stupidest thing you’ve ever heard” in more than one argument

@ThugRaccoons

Me: Can I get that to go?

Priest: That’s not how communion works

@Gupton68

[Parisian restaurant, breakfast]

Me: I hear you do the best toasted Cheese & Ham here

Server: That’s a croque monsieur

M: Oh that’s a shame, I’ll have a croissant instead then please

@mostly_cheese

The overwhelming majority of haunted stuff happens in hallways and stairways, which is why a studio apartment is the best choice ghost-wise.

@MsGreenGoddess

If you don’t sit down to a nice big plate of breakfast for dinner once in a while, you’re missing out on one of the best things in life.