I always run towards screaming. Sure, it could be a horrible murder in progress. BUT it could also be ice cream.
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911: What’s your emergency?
Me: Whatcha dooooin’?
911: Sir, are you in danger?
Me: *giggles* You’re always so worried, but I’m fine, silly
A time capsule but it’s just the back of the fridge
Girl, are you a glass of water because I think you’re about to throw yourself at me.
We got a notice at work that a coyote had been spotted on the fitness trail, and I was, like, “Good for him.”
One time I didn’t cut my grass for two months and my neighbor who was trying to sell his house got fed up and cut it for me so don’t tell me your problems won’t go away if you just ignore them
friend: vending machines kill more people per year than sharks
me, swimming in the ocean and a vending machine is coming right at me: oh no
[Date]
ME: I own a hawk..watch. CLARENCE TO ME
[across town hawk at dinner w/ family]
WIFE:Just dont answer it
HAWK:*sighs* We need this job
Cop: could you repeat again why you hit him over the head?
Me: I figured a couple of days eating hospital food would make him appreciate my cooking
I’d be so much more successful if some of my ancestors had just married better.
lightly toasted and extra crispy 🍞
Catwoman’s full name is Catherine Woman.
shoutout to whoever hacked my doordash account and sent $140 worth of wingstop to my address instead of theirs
If you want a relationship to work, you have to compromise. Maybe you don’t like your partner’s taste in music. Maybe they don’t like the wild raccoons that you let sleep on the bed- while they are forced to sleep on the porch. If you care about each other, you make it work.
If you can’t be with the one you love, love the grilled cheese you’re with.
Netflix would be a great dating site. “Here are 20 other singles in your area who have also watched Shameless for 7 straight hours.”
If you can’t beat them
Just try sunny side up
(car dealership)
Me: Cargo room?
Salesman: No, car go outside
Ever notice how like 97% of people just make up statistics on here?
Popular Mathematics makes math easier to understand! #FallonTonight
Still writing 2023 on all my ransom notes.
pal: what’s your favorite band
me: idk probably rubber
Autocorrect changed “decaffeinated” to “defecated”, and despite what my wife may claim, I’m pretty sure she knew what I wanted a cup of.
INTERVIEWER: thank u, those are all my questions. do u hav any questions for us
ME: yes…why do i want this job
INTERVIEWER: [starts sweatig]
“I DO NOT DRINK TOO MUCH!!” I scream angrily at the neighbors garden gnome
It’s too bad my sister wasn’t kinder to me in middle school.
**orders nephew a bullhorn for Christmas**
Went to bank robbing school and the teacher told me to take notes.
Hey people who emphasize words that end in an E by stretching out that E instead of the vowel that *actually* creates the proper emphasis: I hateeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeee you.
Imagine if food was sports
No time to talk I have bacon tryouts today.
“HEY NANCY, HAVE YOU SEEN MY SOCKS?”
boomer parents will be text “call me” with the same urgency of a family member in the hospital or a question about what that one dessert was called that they had with you at a restaurant at the shore 3 years ago