I always said I’d never chase after a man, but the older I get, I seriously consider power-walking after one.

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*holding a rattlesnake in each hand*
These are the angriest maracas I’ve ever played


When my youngest brother was little he was being bullied and went to my parents for help. They told him “Sticks and stones may break my bones” they then asked him to finish the phrase and he said “but chains and whips excite me” he seriously thought that was he second part.


Me: I’m on a totally liquid diet

Friend: slim fast?

Me: wine


My son said a bunch of disparaging things about Billy Joel and now he sleeps outside in a tent. That’ll learn him.


Like dudes straight up do not pay attention. It took Bruce Willis 2 hours and 10 minutes to realize he was a damn ghost in the Sixth Sense.


Me: Christmas is nothing but corporate greed!
Mom: Would you like some more gold leaf sugar sprinkled on your cocoa?
Me: Yes please.


Don’t fall for it black people, white people only invite us to go camping to see how long we stay alive.