the reason wordle only does one word per day is so you can spend the rest of your day talking about wordle
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My friend’s getting rich by selling photos of koi in clothes. He says it’s as easy as shooting fish in apparel.
he was correct
Marriage,
Or as I like to call it;
The wonder yearsWonder why she is mad this time
Wonder why my stuff is on the lawn
This lady on the train has that raspy, cigarette, alcohol, at death’s door kinda voice. I’ma see if she’ll record my voice mail message.
If they cause you to have anxiety & panic attacks the majority of your relationship, move on.
In related news, I just broke up with my mom
Wife’s lawyer: So why did he demand a divorce?
My lawyer: it says here that he forgot it was their wedding anniversary and just panicked…
me: [trying to sound cool] I’m in a punk band
cute co-worker: that’s cool. What the band’s name?
me: [looking over desk for ideas] Inbox(29)
[FIRST DATE]
Me, opening mouth seductively: “And this is where I burned my tongue on pizza, and this is where I burned my tongue on fries, a
I was 16 when I first saw a dream-catcher, but back then everyone called them school careers advisors
Her: baby can you come up here and play with me?
Me: *sprints up stairs
Her: I’m kidding. Can you hand me the remote?
Me: this is so us
7-year-old: Can we leave the house?
Me: We could go for a walk.
7: And then what?
Me: Come back to the house.
7: I’ll just stay here.
Cop: Save it for the JUDGE!
Crook:Ok
*crook wraps up last slice of pizza in foil*
Lawyer: it’s too bad the judge had to miss our pizza party
Doctor: you’ve got-
Me: [cigarette in mouth] lung cancer?
Doctor: nope, diabetes
Me: huh [finishes eating candy cigarette] weird
Her: Make me a mimosa.
Me: But we’re out of orange juice.
Her: I don’t see the problem.
Flex on your toddler when they piss you off by asking them what sound a giraffe makes
ESPN just did a Top 5 Greatest Comebacks of All Time and there was some guy running with a ball but like literally no mention of Jesus
Any dad can be a stepdad if you use him to reach the top shelf
That’s the last time I follow some dude into the woods just because he tells me he’s a wizard.
Just heard a dad threaten to spank his screaming son “in front of the world.” Stand your ground, kid. There’s no way he has that technology.
[first date]
Him: Why are you being so distant?
Me: Why didn’t you order a side of guacamole?
Walking up to guys with girls with them and saying “you never called! Our son is 5 now” then walk away….always brightens my day
Not sure if I washed the spider down the drain in my shower or if he took one look at me naked and then leapt willingly to his death.
operators are standing by to ignore your call
Money doesn’t impress me. You know what does? Treehouses.
Experts say that human interaction is important for brain health but I’m willing to risk it.
Thought my husband’s new soap was a block of cheese, and now I’m disappointed and he wants to know why it’s slightly chilled
[Our sex tape gets leaked]
Wife: Now do you believe me that you snore?
I SCREAM,
YOU SCREAM,
WE ALL SCREAM,
BECAUSE GRANDPA FORGOT TO
WEAR HIS HEARING AIDS AGAIN!
Friend: *texting* How are you holding up? Staying busy?
Me: Yeah actually I’ve gotten really into philosophy
[Earlier that day]
Me: Alexa if you shave all your hair off do you use face wash or body soap on the top of your head
Just once…one time; can’t we buy a tree that doesn’t try to attack me when I come home drunk at 2am.