I always say “I was wondering when you’d find me” when I get in my car. That way if someone’s ever in the backseat I’ll look cool as shit.
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“While you were gathering nuts and playing your silly squirrel games, I studied the blade.”
Started raining WHILE I was in the car wash. Like..
I always say “goodbye” to the Wal-Mart greeter, just to close that loop.
In college if I needed more time to finish a paper I’d send a word doc with just like, pages filled with weird text characters and when my professor opened it days later, I’d be like oh the file must’ve been corrupted and then send the finished paper. I must’ve done it 50 times?
I have an oven with a ‘stop time’ button. It’s probably meant to be ‘stop timer’ but I don’t touch it, just in case.
[on a first date]
Me: sure, I’d love to see your basement
I noticed you’re eating that bag of popcorn one piece at a time.
So how many people have you murdered?
me: [yelling at houseplant] I AM NOT AN ALCOHOLIC
wife: I’m over here
“No man is an island.”
– someone with a basic grasp of land forms and human biology
Doctor: i’d like you to step on the scale.
Me: You first, pal.
I am in the battle of my life with tangled macrame and I may not make it. If a spider finds me, I’m screwed.
Hurricane. It’s fine.
Broken foot. Still fine.
Anemic, arthritic, slow walking dog who refuses to go in the backyard so must be walked through nature’s hissy fit. Totally fine.
Coffee maker not working. EXTREMELY NOT FINE.
People joke that soup acts “all dramatic” when you put it in a microwave, but if you put those same people in a microwave, they would freak out. Hypocrites.
a perfect interaction just happened: a man at a bar came up to me and my friends and asked what we all did and I said I was a journalist and he said “oh like in spiderman”
I know a horrible idea when I see it.
“I hope this email finds you—“ STOP FINDING MEEEEE
Y’know who else threw the bubble-wrap away without popping all the bubbles?
Hitler
cop: I’m giving you a financial penalty for speeding
me: fine
Current adult status: Just got into a heated debate about whether or not Merida from Brave is a Disney princess. I won. She is not.
Dogs naturally form packs, and if left undisturbed, will teach themselves how to play poker
You haven’t texted me since you went to bed. Are we ok??
If you say “I don’t feel good” and a pregnant woman says “Me neither,” DO NOT respond with “Yeah, but you chose this for yourself…”
Excessive use of commas is a serious
crime which may result in a long sentence.
ME: how much for the Oompa Loompas?
HER: what? they’re not for sale!
ME: this is preposterous
HER: no, this is a daycare
I heard many of these stories growing up…. 😂😂😂
911 OPERATOR: 911 what’s your emergency
ME: ok promise you won’t be mad
My wife does this cute thing. She sets her alarm clock an hour before she has to get up and then hits snooze 27 times. It’s so adorable.
[Block Party]
Me: The Johnsons brought hotdogs.
Host: Just toss them on the fire.
[Later]
Host: Why are the hotdogs still frozen?
Me: Good news! We won’t have to worry about the Johnsons playing loud music at night!
Wasn’t wearing my glasses at the park and bent down to pet some guy’s gym bag. How’s your night going?!
Me: oh man, I love the 80s
My grandparents: we have names