Every time my Father in law gets trashed, he asks if I’ve lost weight… So naturally I bring a bottle of scotch every time we visit.
I always say “morning” instead of “good morning”. If it were a good morning I’d still be in bed instead of talking to people.
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“My god,” I whisper as the food arrives. “Just as the prophecy foretold.”
Pirate Clark Kent: *takes off eye patch*
Pirate Lois Lane: OMG
[first day as a director]
me, right after a scene ends perfectly: aaaaaand cup
Me: Sometimes I wonder if people don’t like me
Therapist: That’s where I can help
Therapist: They don’t
Good grief, did you see that, Hans? A time traveller just appeared, shot Adolf and left again. I mean I know his paintings are shit but WTF
When someone is murdered, they always investigate the spouse 1st. That says everything about marriage.
Don’t give her a Fitbit for Mother’s Day. I repeat, don’t give her a Fitbit for Mother’s Day.
If you’re able to read this, thank a teacher! If you can do busy work while wasted and watch an unrelated video, thank a substitute teacher!
Me, on phone: I’m too scared of sharks to go to the beach
Friend: But sharks kill less people per year than- *thud*
Me: … Than what?
Voice on other end: Moo.