@GreeneyedManiac

I always say “morning” instead of “good morning”. If it were a good morning I’d still be in bed instead of talking to people.

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@MBittersweet25

Every time my Father in law gets trashed, he asks if I’ve lost weight… So naturally I bring a bottle of scotch every time we visit.

@vineyille

“My god,” I whisper as the food arrives. “Just as the prophecy foretold.”

@nyquills

Pirate Clark Kent: *takes off eye patch*

Pirate Lois Lane: OMG

@notacroc

[first day as a director]

me, right after a scene ends perfectly: aaaaaand cup

@ArfMeasures

Me: Sometimes I wonder if people don’t like me

Therapist: That’s where I can help

Me: Great

Therapist: They don’t

@ErrenMichaels

Good grief, did you see that, Hans? A time traveller just appeared, shot Adolf and left again. I mean I know his paintings are shit but WTF

@LooseTalks_Girl

When someone is murdered, they always investigate the spouse 1st. That says everything about marriage.

@dlockw21

Don’t give her a Fitbit for Mother’s Day. I repeat, don’t give her a Fitbit for Mother’s Day.

@Phook75

If you’re able to read this, thank a teacher! If you can do busy work while wasted and watch an unrelated video, thank a substitute teacher!

@Browtweaten

Me, on phone: I’m too scared of sharks to go to the beach

Friend: But sharks kill less people per year than- *thud*

Me: … Than what?

Friend:

Me: Hello?

Voice on other end: Moo.