That awkward moment when your date says she has a hair piece but later you find out she was saying herpes.
You Might Also Like
Me: * tastes dog treats*
Stalker: frickin weirdo
Women are too difficult, I’m gonna marry a poptart
So my 6 year old neighbour is like Uncle B do you like fruits
I say yeah I do…
And kid’s like I brought you fruit 💀
Anyway what does one do with an unripe paw paw
If I had a dollar for every time one of my kids said “Mom, you’re not funny”, I could buy a beach house.
And live by myself.
My mug is Stanley. My cooler is Yeti. My driveway is snowy. Just one of these is truey.
[first date]
Me: So what do you do?
Her: I’m a librarian.
Me: *doesn’t talk again all night*
How do I rate our solar system?
One star
Just got a splinter from a 100 year-old bed frame and damn that MFer was really playing the long game
Whipped cream is just shaving cream that does whatever it’s girlfriend tells it to do.
Asking my 8YO to go to bed is like arguing with an opera singer singing heavy metal
{Dark ally}
So how good are these drugs?*Dealer forcefully pulls me close*
“Ever just grab the right amount of hangers?”Wow. That’s good
Shall I compare thee to a summer’s day?
Thou art not as nice as this time last year.
[McDonalds board meeting]
CEO: We need some mascots that cater to children. Kids love clowns, criminals and eggplants right?
Don’t forget to sacrifice your own personal goals to live up to someone else’s expectations today!
Oysters are an aphrodisiac because they figure if you swallow that, you’ll swallow anything
My wife is still mad about the time I seductively went under the covers…slid off the end of the bed…and then army crawled out of the bedroom.
I thought my wife was joking when she said she wanted to go to a Monkees’ concert in Switzerland, then I saw her face, now I’m in Geneva.
MAN!! My boss is always all “Blah blah blah!”, “You’re late!”, and “Get me more pictures of Spiderman!!”
If I ever meet you and you don’t look anything like your avi,you’re buying drinks for me until you do
Anyone have a recipe for chocolate covered strawberries?
[After losing a rap battle]
“How did he get a hold of my credit score?”
I believe it was Gandhi who said “never create passwords for apps when you’re shitfaced”
2020 is the worst Choose Your Own Adventure book ever
EVERY picture my husband takes of me is like
That toilet didn’t deserve what I did to it today.
Me: Sit.
Dog: (confused dog look)
Me: Stay!
Dog: (continues packing suitcase)
Dang girl are you a New Year’s Resolution? cuz I’d never keep you, I just made you up & you really never actually existed in the first place
My friend sent me a picture of her baby and I don’t have a baby so I just sent her back a picture of a steak I cooked once.
then why did i get this email
True friends show up during the middle of a bad date, dressed like a police officer and pretend to arrest you for murdering 7 other guys after the first date.