Him: *down on one knee*
Will you marry me?Me: Nah, I’m good, but…
(puts up hand up to high five) thanks for asking!
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I like my salad like my poker opponents – obscured from view by a massive f****** pile of my chips.
[Arriving late to work]
Boss: *looks at watch* fourth day this week
Me: also known as Thursday, Jerry
What happens when Christopher’s car breaks down?
Christopher Walken
7: mama, I will eat everything you pack in my lunch
me: that’s wonderful
7: except the things I don’t like
me: there it is.
Adam and Eve were the first people to agree to the Apple terms and conditions without reading them.
Tall, fit, great hair, dazzling smile, good with kids, excellent swordsman, right-handed.
~ Captain Hook’s Tinder profile ~
Who’s soul do I have to sell in order for my eyeliner to come out even on both eyes?
*rubs lamp*
*genie comes out*
You get 3 wishes. Just no wishing for more wishes.
“I wish for more genies.”
I SAID NO WI- oooh, you’re good.
I want to make some business cards with this image so when people are like “what’s your type” I can just hand them one and say idk these are all men I’m attracted to, y’all figure it out
My solution to everything is fire. How do I get out this stain? Fire. How do you fix a car? Fire. How do you break up with someone? FIRE!
“Ok i’ll bite”
*literally any cat i try to be nice to
Wait… we’re supposed to be learning from our mistakes?!
*first day as a detective*
Partner: Three sets of prints, but only one body
Me: *nods* Yes. That means there’s *counts on fingers* more people that aren’t dead
I don’t know who named them safety pins, but I’ve been stabbed by them more than any other pin.
I’m chaperoning a graduation party tonight. I have lots of fun activities planned.
I hope they like monopoly.
Judge: Order in the court
[from the back]
Me: Can I get a large pepperoni pizza with… [puts hand over speaker and looks around] what?
Dear Starbucks:
The pumpkins called. Even they think it’s too early.
If she says “I have a question but don’t lie”, just know that she already has eight photos, three witnesses, a voice message and eighty six screenshots.
[first day selling houses]
me: shits about to get realty
Only rings I’m interested in are made from onions.
There is nothing in the world that lowers your IQ faster than trying to use someone else’s coffee machine.
Twitter: where 20-year standup comedy vets get out-funnyed by accountants, college kids, junkies, & unemployed single moms on a daily basis.
If you are going to call the cops every time you spot me in your bushes I don’t think this relationship is going to work.
WHAT DO WE WANT!?
A forum for passive aggressive behavior!
WHEN do we want it?
NOW would be great but you seem busy sooo whatever.
Men, do you ever wonder what women have in their purses?
Simple really: Wallet, keys, lip balm, tiny hand grenades, sunglasses, tissues, a pet unicorn, souls of our enemies, Advil, tampons and sometimes brass knuckles.
You’re welcome
3,026 years from today, life will either be really good or really bad.
It’s 5050.
Not to barg, but I majored in illiteracy.
My washer and dryer finished at the same time, but I think my dryer faked it.
My wife and I are to the point where I can text her “Hey” and she’ll text back “It’s on the dresser.”
uʍop ǝpısdn pǝuɹnʇ-pǝddıןɟ ʇob ǝɟıן ʎɯ
ʍoɥ ʇnoqɐ ןןɐ ʎɹoʇs ɐ sı sıɥʇ ‘ʍou