I always score high marks on my drug test; so four years of college wasn’t a complete waste.
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I want to go to bed without cleaning the kitchen but I don’t want my mother to wake up in a panic 300 miles away.
What idiot called it Kenny Loggins describing how he visited Bethlehem to see the Christ child and not “I went to the Manger Zone”?
Merry Christmas everyone
FOMO so bad I choose to be cremated and put in an hourglass so I can still participate in game night after I die
2 year old runs naked down the street.
“Awwwwwwwwwwwwww.”
I run naked down the street.
“AHHHHHHHHHHHHHHH!”
I do believe I’m an Empath. I can always sense when someone I’m attacking is in a bad mood.
[speed dating session]
Me: I have a good job with benefits. I love movies and hiking. And I’m a cat person.
Her: I love that! *writes her number on a napkin and slides it across to me*
Me: *slowly pushes the napkin off the table*
My house fluctuates between smelling like a freshly baked cake or a tropical island vacation because aromatherapy provides what I cannot.
❤️🦆
New to Twitter cheat sheet:
AVI – profile pic
TL – timeline
DM – direct message
TC – twitter crush
WTF – everything else
BREAKING NEWS: Scientists have discovered what may be the worlds largest bed sheet. More on that as it unfolds.
I sexually identify as an avocado.
Not in the mood.
Not in the mood.
Not in the mood.
Oh yes tonight is the nigh-
Too late, I’m over it.
Doctor: “You have a hip injury.”
Me: “I am very trendy.”
“Lady In Red” is my favorite song about a guy that’s trying to get laid even though he can’t remember her goddamn name.
Industry heads warn the cost of airfare will continue to rise, at least if passengers keep whining about things like “doors falling off” and “having their luggage.”
Fun fact: The average Canadian swallows eight moose per year in their sleep.
I’ll always remember what my dad told me right before he died: “of course you’re supposed to use that much lighter fluid idiot.”
My obituary: She died in the shower, dancing away from a spider that was really just black sock fuzz.
I’m that bored in the house 🥺
#lockdownextension
Fact: If you blast hiphop at a shallot, it becomes a rapscallion.
News Anchor: And now, to report live about this incredibly dangerous storm, we’ll send you out to one of our expendable reporters.
PHIL COLLINS: Here tonight is the man who inspired my next song, “Fat Shithead Clogged My Toilet.”
[spotlight tracks me as I head for Exit]
ME: *whispering to date as symphony orchestra begins playing beethoven’s 5th* can you believe a dog wrote this
Inkling sounds like a baby octopus
How much for the mirror?
Ma’am that’s the cover of Vogue
My boss said when I’m at work, I should lay off the Doritos. I said “you’re the boss if you wanna fire Bob Dorito and his brother you do it”
Your call is very important to us. So please enjoy this 40 minute flute solo.
[puts dog in car]
Me to wife: just gonna take her to the vet
Wife: why u whispering
[car screeches away]
Me with wife in headlock: thats why
World domination? I don’t even want to be responsible for myself.
’m intermittent fasting so i have to finish this carrot cake really quick before 5 pm.
