*dies while ironically wearing a fedora*:
oh no, this is part of my forever ghost outfit now
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Last day of lockdown: I’m going to miss sitting around doing nothing
First day back in work: *sitting around doing nothing
I fall in love too easily.
Wait..
It’s ditches, I fall in ditches too easily
Pretty proud of myself. I made copies of all the blank white printer paper at work. Doubled our supply for free. Can’t wait to tell my boss.
My garden has produced some sick beets, some smashing pumpkins and some red hot chili peppers.
We go on tour in the fall.
Remember how judgey we thought we’d be if our kid said “wow! My teacher drinks a lot”
If someone asks what you do for a living and you reply “I’m a lunatic” they won’t ask any more questions.
[escorted out of google hq with armful of snakes at 9:02am on my 1st day] WELL MAYBE U SHOULDA CLARIFIED WAT U MEANT BY “PYTHON PROGRAMMER”
I’ve been “watching my weight” and, rest assured, it’s still there.
“We want to take our engagement photos here at the library.”
“That’s fun. Are there parts of the library that are especially meaningful to you?”
“Not really, we never use the library.”
“Then why take your pictures here?”
“We want people to think we’re people who use the library.”
one time I was in the hospital elevator with a resident and then the elevator got stuck and I was like “omg we are going to die” and she was like “omg YES I needed this today” and sat down and started eating a granola bar
2: mommy, grammy goes to bed with grandpa
me: yeah, hey can we talk about something else?
You can’t fix stupid but you can divorce it
I washed a man in Reno just to watch him dry.
I quit my job at Starbucks because of all the name-calling.
Don’t cry because it’s over, smile because you were able to steal 12 of his hoodies.
Casting director: alright, screen test for the part of ‘fax machine’ go ahead
Dolphin: *deep breath*
I don’t know why friends and family keep getting pregnant when I have two kids right here they can have.
I’ve got 45 chairs in my garage from receptionists asking me to take a seat.
My self care time these days looks a lot like me lying on the floor while my 3yo does a high impact circus routine on my back.
What i said : I really like this song
What i meant : Shut your face for the next few minutes
me: this one looks dangerous
dermatologist: that’s chocolate
You’re never too old or too stupid to become older and stupider
What a website
Got really drunk and had unprotected sex with the cashier at 7-11 last night. Hope I don’t catch slurpees.
Therapist: Would you use alcohol, food and sex as a means of feeling happy?
Me: Yes, thanks.
My dudes have been airbrushed so hard they look one of those hand drawn movie posters from Ghana
“Stomach…Lungs…Kidneys….Heart.” –
Me, at my organ recital.(Not even slightly sorry)
Nobody:
Absolutely no one:
Not a single soul on this Earth:
Not even their mom:
iNfLuEnCeR: “A lot of you have asked about my skin care routine…”
My “my wife is not having an affair with her karate teacher” headline is raising a lot of questions already answered by my headline.