I always see homeless people walking around with cups of change. I bet they could afford a house if they werent drinking money all the time.

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[car appreciation parade for child’s teacher]

Me [hanging out window with paper]: HOW ARE WE SUPPOSED TO DO #5?!?


[therapists office]
my wife: i have a fear of giants
me: she has f-
marriage counsellor:
my wife: don’t you dare say it
me: Feefiphobia


the best way to avoid people outside stores with clipboards is by carrying your own


*crawls back up a waterslide for 2 hours* did you say “go dudette” or “no not yet”


5yo: I dropped my damn spoon!
Me: Don’t be using that word!
5yo: Is it a bad word?
Me: It is..
5yo: Ok..I dropped my damn “food scooper”?


It’s so cold in south florida, I just saw an iguana kill a squirrel and use it as a scarf.


I appreciate your confidence in me, but it appears your “foolproof” chicken recipe is merely “fool resistant.”


FRIEND: Thanks for letting me stay here while I’m in town

ME: No problem

FRIEND: Do u have a Waffle House nearby?

ME: No they’re all wood