I always skip leg day at the gym. I keep my body proportionate by skipping every other day at the gym as well.
You Might Also Like
Today’s assignment:
If anyone asks you what you’re doing this weekend, grab them and shake them saying “What have you heard? WHAT HAVE YOU HEARD???”
*peels off yoga pants to reveal even yogier pants*
You give me butterflies. I give them back. Please stop handing me insects, it’s really weird.
(3am, my kid wakes up)
Me: *Pretends to be asleep*
My wife: *Pretends to be more asleep*
Me: *Pretends to be even more asleep*
My wife: *Pretends to be even way more asleep*
“I want frog legs.”
-Fancy restaurant order or the coolest plastic surgery request ever
Me, to 10yo: The first step in doing your math homework is *starts crying*
Cop: Save it for the JUDGE!
Crook:Ok
*crook wraps up last slice of pizza in foil*
Lawyer: it’s too bad the judge had to miss our pizza party
Hitting it from behind is just how I drive
BBC:when a women is attracted to a man, she speaks in a higher pitch than normal
That explains why every woman I talk to sounds like Batman
INTERVIEWER: what’s your greatest strength?
ME: I’m good at untying knots
INTERVIEWER: oh thank god can u get these running shoes off of me?
son: daddy, there’s a skeleton in my closet
me: don’t be ridiculous–it won’t be a skeleton for months
me: yeah, i’m into fitness…fitness this whole pizza in my mouth.
executioner: did you plan your last meal around this?
Not to be a Scrooge, but if you play or even hum along with Christmas music before December 10, you should be sent to a concentration camp.
I wrote a movie about Edward Scissorhands serving a court summons to Dwayne Johnson.
It’s titled “Rock Papered by Scissors”
Accidentally threw my phone in the garbage bin outside while trying to toss a bag and if that’s not a sign from the universe I chose to ignore when I fished it back out I don’t know what is
Told a couple of jokes at a Zoom meeting. Turns out I’m not even remotely funny.
COMCAST: have you considered getting with the world’s number one selling broadband?
ME: [thinking he meant the Spice Girls] ..all the time.
After three hours with the kids my husband asked me to put him in time out and I was like: Hell no! it’s my turn
Him: Hey girl, what’s your sign?
Me: My favourite is probably “McDonalds, Next Exit” what’s yours?
It’s a good thing I brought poopy bags so my dog can clean up after me.
What did Yoda say when he saw himself in 4K?
HDMI
Judge: So, you don’t know how the victims blood got in your car?
Clown: In my defense Your Honor, there were 46 other passengers in the car
If there were a prize for not having even one winning number on multiple Powerball tickets, I would be a millionaire.
Coworker said ‘nice pink shirt, when did you come out?’ I said ‘IT’S NOT PINK IT’S SALMON!’. Then I snapped my fingers and skipped away.
Marry someone who loves Hawaiian pizza so you can just get your own good tasting pizza all to yourself.
Kids, because why would you want to sleep on more than 6 inches of your king size bed?
Why is there an eject button on the DVD remote? You still have to get up & take the disc out. It’s like having a remote to open the fridge.
At my funeral there will be cake so people aren’t disappointed like me at this cake-less funeral
I’m sorry but did they sacrifice a human sized pop tart on live tv or was that a fever dream
When I go to the movies alone, I take a clipboard so everyone thinks I’m a professional movie reviewer and not an awkward friendless loner.