I always smile really big at people in public. Tends to freak them out, out cause I’m not good at putting on lipstick.
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A hooker once showed me her dollar menu. Her meat actually did resemble McDonald’s.
“The cat spilled water. Don’t worry, your coloring book’s fine” isn’t a thing my gf thought she’d ever say to a grown man, but here we are.
I made garlic mashed potatoes and there isn’t a vampire for miles that is brave enough to come near us.
I love it when companies with names like “Grandmas cookies” have ingredients like Thiamin mononitrate.
I remember waiting for the cookies to cool and licking the bromine off of the spoon. Good times.
Any time a sentence starts with “This is America!” brace your ears for some next level ignorant shit.
[bar]
me: oh god this is gonna sound weird but would you mind pretending to be my girlfriend when my friends turn up so they don’t think I’m a pathetic loser
wife: no
Him: There’s something special about you.
Me: Some people tell me I smell like stinky cheese.
*His eyes glaze over* I love stinky cheese.
Kids: The floor is lava
God: Soon
You put in your offer, but then discover the neighbors have a peacock, possibly peacocks. You wonder if they’ll get along with yours.
Mom: how’s your little cult thing going honey?
Me: [sigh] mom Twitter isn’t a cult.
Dad: it sounds like a cult to me.
Mom: 80k people follow him Harold.
Me: seriously not a cult.
Dad: what do you call all those people?
Me:
Mom:
Dad:
Me: my followers.
Her: Undress me with your words…
Me: I saw a spider in your bra.
I’m sorry I punched you in the face when you said “I love you”. Intimacy scares me. And you said it to my sister.
“How much for the mannequin in the clown outfit?”
“Sir, she came in with you!”
Me: I think I’m gonna do a live scream tonight
Her, about to regret asking this question: don’t you mean live strea-
Me: *inhales*
we got a new neighbour and I thought it was taking him weeks to move in but turns out he works for u-haul
Me: *levitating, a jumble of furniture swirls chaotically around me*
Him: so, you still mad?
me: *pays a stranger from the computerwebs to come drive me somewhere*
my mom: WHAT THE HELL!
My ancestry DNA results came back: 100% German pancake batter
4: Mommy, I need a snack
Me: Perfect timing! I was just going to make you a hot dog for dinner!
4: No. I don’t want dinner. I want a snackkkkk.
Me: How about a hot dog as a snack?
4:…. YESSSS
[Calls boss]
I won’t be in today
“Why not?”
[camera pans out to a raccoon wearing sunglasses driving away in my car]
I’ve got the shits.
During love scenes in a Wes Anderson movie, the sound effects guy rubs a baguette against corduroy.
The word “karaoke” comes from an old Chinese proverb meaning: “go home, you’re drunk.”
[Naming Days Meeting]
Guy 1: We need a name for the last one.
Guy Who Named Wednesday: Sudnaday?
Guy 1: Not one more goddamn word, Barry.
I can’t believe that in this day and age, people are still wearing fir.
I’ve had to walk past this monstrosity every day for the last few weeks and it’s really taking a toll.
[Vaccination center]
Me: *slaps $20 bill down* I would like one immunity please
it’s may 17. what’s next? may 18? i didn’t sign up for this
Me: It’s late. Go to sleep.
Brain: K.
Me:
Brain:
Me: *kinda dozing off*
Brain: WHY WOULD HORSES EVEN TRY TO PUT AN EGG BACK TOGETHER?
If you cross me again I’m gonna unleash hellfire* on you.
*own you in an imaginary argument in my head next time I shower
Any dog can be a guide dog if you don’t care where you’re going