I always smile really big at people in public. Tends to freak them out, out cause I’m not good at putting on lipstick.
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Judge: Ms Spears, how do you plea?
“I’m not. that. innocent.”
*frustrated defense counsel tosses like 9000 papers in the air*
My doctor said I can get back to my college weight if I simply go for a brisk three hundred mile walk each morning.
[ bad kitty ]
me: cut it out
cat: ?
me: stop it
cat: ?
me: knock it off
cat: now we’re talking
Absolutely no one:
Me: *something goes down the wrong way and I start coughing*
Everyone: Let me tell you about the time I almost choked to death!
cats can’t give you covid but they would if they could
Me: Well well, if it isn’t the consequences of my own actions.
Him: Please, call me James.
I’m smoking, skyping, putting on makeup, tweeting and I haven’t spilled 1 drop of my beer. I’m the best driver ever.
wife *comes running out of the bedroom* Kill it! Kill it!
me *runs in*
wife: Did you get it!?
me [has no idea wtf she’s talking about] Yep
I worked as a ticket runner during the Oakland Raiders football season. I’d get a text,
“I’m wearing a silver hat, silver jacket; I’m at the bar.”
It was the most challenging game of “Where’s Waldo?” I ever played.
I like my whiskey like my marriage….
On the rocks.
my ex: i want u back
me: the groupchat said no
Father O’Malley answers the phone. ‘Hello, is this Father O’Malley?’
‘It is!’
‘This is the IRS. Can you help us?’
‘I can!’
‘Do you know a Ted Houlihan?’
‘I do!’
‘Is he a member of your congregation?’
‘He is!’
‘Did he donate $10,000 to the church?’
‘He will.’
When Bryan Adams sang ‘Baby, you’re all that I want…when you’re lying here in my arms…” I bet he was talking about brisket.
My friends are measuring the alcohol while making drinks. I need new friends.
Netflix: *30 seconds into an Adam Sandler comedy* Are you still watching?
*coroner takes picture of my body after I’m brutally murdered*
Me: delete it
if they ever legalise drugs, Nestle definitely need to make a KitKet
I’ve never understood the purpose of apps like Nextdoor. It sounds like it’s all just insane people looking out their window and then writing “suspicious man in brown shirt and shorts left three suspicious boxes in our lobby”
customs officer: anything to declare?
me (pulling blanket over elephant): umm just this blanket
15 Is The Age Where You Either Look Like 11 Or 25.
I miss the days of Agatha Christie when rich people only murdered each other.
Bought a cat collar with a bell on it, and now I can’t sneak up on the cat to put it on her.
Dinner: I BIT THE INSIDE OF MY MOUTH! IT WILL NEVER HEAL! NOTHING WILL EVER BE RIGHT AGAIN!
Next morning: Oh, OK.
I told my husband not to get me anything for our anniversary. You don’t think he won’t get me anything, do you?
I wanted to do a sexy boudoir photoshoot for my boyfriend, but the radiologist had a totally different agenda
My husband said he needed his shirt ironed, so like a good wife, I brought him the iron and he asked for the ironing board too. We have an ironing board?
My husband came with me to the gynecologist. As a new patient, I had to fill out a form asking if I’d ever had an IUD. When I checked the ‘yes’ box, he said: “You drove drunk!?!”
ME: *grasping wife’s hand* omg he’s going to say his first words
WIFE: c’mon buddy you can do it
WAITER: can i get you two started with something to drink?
MY WIFE AND ME [excitedly]: d’awwwww
There’s a boring horse who lives next door to me.
He’s my neigh bore.*Ba dum tishhhh!!!!*
three years of jiu-jitsu and I still can’t get out of my wife’s hugs