I always take a different store’s tote bags when I go grocery shopping so they don’t get the idea we’re exclusive or anything.
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Me: Still thinks I’m young and hip
Also me: Drives 30 miles in the wrong direction with my turn signal on the entire time
geese are just mad that we refuse to buy insurance from them
Wife: “The two things I cook best are meatloaf and apple pie.” Husband: “Which is this?”
At my 12yo’s school awards ceremony tonight I danced in my seat just enough for her to see me, smile, shake her head in happy embarrassment, and look down to avoid accidentally smiling again
My work here is done
I trapped a ghost in my cooler to keep my beer cold.
It’s been a weird day so I’m shaving my eyebrows off.
Wednesday
Professor: There’s no such thing as stupid questions
Me: *clears throat
My last husband’s name is Don. I just added an E to it and walked away.
INSTRUCTIONS FOR FITTED SHEETS:
1) Know when to hold em.
2) Know when to fold em.
3) Know when to walk away.
4) Know when to run.
My cousin just announced that he and his wife are pregnant with their second child.
I had a big announcement too, but I guess getting a 24-pack of hot dogs for $2 will just have to wait.
Either my cat is speaking English or that was not a vitamin I took….
my mom: [wrapping my pills in cheese]
me: no, mom, use the GRUYERE I’m an ADULT
If you give me another chance, I just know I can make things worse.
How am I supposed to sleep now that I’ve realized 125 people have watched a video of me drunkenly making nachos?
…. And they didn’t even like it.
When Cookie Monster stays in bed and eats cookies all day it’s hilarious and adorable.
But when I do it, people are all, “Excuse me, you’re making a mess. You’ve been here for hours and if you’re not going to buy a mattress, you have to leave.”
Friend: what are your 2018 resolutions?
Me: I didn’t even make 1, let alone 2018 of them
Me: Define Illegal
Cop: You’re drunk, riding a horse, shooting a gun and yelling ‘For Narnia’
Me: I want my lawyer.
If you listen carefully you can hear the sound of raindrops sighing. Really, you can hear almost anything if you’re high enough.
[high school]
ME: *getting stuffed in my locker* jokes on you buddy, I have snacks in here
don’t be scared
When a movie says “Based on a true story.” it means this is sort of what happened but with way uglier people.
How confused about the world are you right now, on a scale of 0 to “trying to figure out a friend’s shower”
[cavemen, having discovered fire, tentatively placing part of an animal carcass above the flames]
[my mother, suddenly appearing out of a time machine] You know you can do that just as easily in the air fryer.
People who use the lift to go up one floor will be wiped out by natural selection
me talking to family:
▶🔘──────── 00:02me talking to friends:
▶ 🔘──────── 00:06me going through the Wiki pages for the Netflix ‘Popples’ series & live action Flintstones movies:
▶ 🔘──────── 1:54:28
My running form could be described as “drunk woman slowly being chased by no one”
A t-shirt gun outfitted for Costco hotdogs.
Interviewer: Why did you leave your last job?
[flashback to everyone chanting “SHIT PANTS”]
Me: It was just time for a change.