@keeganjohn53

I always take my fingers out of my ears & clap after each karaoke song performance.

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@mommajessiec

Me: Well, that’s enough for one day.

Husband: But you just woke up.

Me: Exactly.

@jpbrammer

I respect kiwis because they looked around, saw there weren’t any mice on their island, and said “fine I’ll do it”

@Rollinintheseat

“Hi, I’m Rob Thomas for the Organ Donor Association. Give me your heart, make it real or else forget about it.”

@Mom_Overboard

*tumbles down basement stairs, laundry flying everywhere*

Me: *whispers through pain* parkour…

@soccerskiingmom

If any Americans still feel like emigrating to Canada, can you please bring up some Thanksgiving leftovers?

@osoplain

I should start carrying a pool noodle in my car and randomly smack cars when stuck in traffic

@BuckyIsotope

TEENS IN THE 70S: let’s protest war
TEENS IN THE 80S: let’s protest capitalism
TEENS IN THE 90S: let’s rage against the machine
TEENS TODAY: let’s eat laundry detergent

@Burger_Time_

Gramps’ head was chopped off by a helicopter blade and same with his dad and his dad before him. So no Rod, you can’t go to helicopter camp.