I always take my fingers out of my ears & clap after each karaoke song performance.
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Did you know Lysol kills 99.9% of germs & my toothpaste has tartar control? You would too if you sat in my bathroom without your phone.
Fact: A good beer will not lose its label after sitting in a cooler of ice water all week.
Related: Why is there still beer in the cooler??
Sorry for laughing and pointing when you fell. I just thought clapping would be rude.
Life hack :
Receive a wide assortment of yellow, orange, pink and red envelopes, free of charge, simply by not paying your bills.
Never go out with a flight attendant,
all you’ll get for breakfast is a bag of peanuts and instant coffee.
Open for business, 24/7
~my stomach
The year is 2200. All fossil fuels are depleted. Our only source for coal is Santa Claus. Everyone must be naughty for the sake of mankind.
Sorry neighbor who’s choking to death, my cat’s resting his little head on my leg.
This, like, never happens.
If a panda was coming after me to kill me I don’t think I’d even try to stop it. It would be an adorable death and my family would have a great story for decades.
Overheard my daughter’s friend on FaceTime telling her Dad to please stop singing because he’s embarrassing her so obviously I did what any Dad would do and finished the chorus for him.
Me: Honey, would you please go downstairs and get mommy’s medicine and bring it up to her?
3yo: *Brings up a bottle of whiskey*
Me:
Hubby: “Well, she’s not wrong…”
9: I learned a joke at school.
Me: Ok let’s hear it.
9: What goes in stiff but comes out soft?
Me:
9:
Me:
9:
Me: Is it a-
Wife [running in from other room]: SPAGHETTI IT’S SPAGHETTI
Kid: Would you like to buy me this candy bar or watch me have a Stage 5 meltdown in front of a bunch of strangers who are quietly judging your parenting?
As the pair of scissors steps up to the starting line, the other runners quickly realize that this race just got a whole lot more dangerous.
WIFE: What’re you doing in the garage?
ME: I made a cloning machine.
WIFE: Don’t do anything stupid.
OTHER ME: Like what?
German be like, __________ is the word for a cat that is chewing on a flower in a pot that was watered last Tuesday.
*Snowstorm on it’s way*
America – we need to stock up on bread and milk!
Canadians – better hit the beer store.
There is no bond greater than the one between a Tupperware container and marinara sauce
The holidays are always tough on me….
One year for Christmas , I made a gingerbread house that wasn’t up to code & it collapsed on a tiny, little gingerbread family.
Still haunts me.
I think it’s a bad sign that when 9 tries to play charades, everyone’s first guess is “constipation.”
I think LGBT sounds too much like a sandwich.
me: you find me interesting? *acting coy & twirling my hair*
FBI agent: No, you are a ‘person of interest’ I need to ask you some questions
*shakes the ATM like it’s a vending machine*
Friend asks me to be her maid of honor:
M-What do I have to do?
F-Well I know you, so I’m expecting very little.
Mission accomplished.
Me: This is the year I’m going to save money.
Also me: *googles, “how to purchase a baby elephant?”*
Remember to leave milk and cookies out for Captain America tonight.
Time heals everything 🙂
#ProTip
got so drunk last night that I ate a salad
I think my nephew finally figured out that there’s no chameleon in this cage & that his Xmas present is a cage.