I always take my fingers out of my ears & clap after each karaoke song performance.

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Me: Well, that’s enough for one day.

Husband: But you just woke up.

Me: Exactly.


I respect kiwis because they looked around, saw there weren’t any mice on their island, and said “fine I’ll do it”


“Hi, I’m Rob Thomas for the Organ Donor Association. Give me your heart, make it real or else forget about it.”


*tumbles down basement stairs, laundry flying everywhere*

Me: *whispers through pain* parkour…


If any Americans still feel like emigrating to Canada, can you please bring up some Thanksgiving leftovers?


I should start carrying a pool noodle in my car and randomly smack cars when stuck in traffic


TEENS IN THE 70S: let’s protest war
TEENS IN THE 80S: let’s protest capitalism
TEENS IN THE 90S: let’s rage against the machine
TEENS TODAY: let’s eat laundry detergent


Gramps’ head was chopped off by a helicopter blade and same with his dad and his dad before him. So no Rod, you can’t go to helicopter camp.