I always take the high road, because the colors are more psychedelic and sometimes you see a unicorn.
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A good thing to say to someone who is overindulging at a Chinese restaurant is “hey buddy, it’s called dim sum, not dim all.”
What if instead of startling someone you could stople them. Just like, do something that makes them instantly really relaxed
God: kill your son
Abraham: uh…ok
God: holy shit I’m jk
Abraham: umm…
God: I’ll probably kill mine tho lol
Abraham: wtf?
cop: *knocks on my car window*
me: sorry is the music too loud
cop: yes
me: *sets down bagpipes*
She was Hannah Montana when Bush was president. Thanks, Obama.
Overheard at the pool:
Grandma: what do you want the baby to be? a brother or sister?
*long pause*
3 year old: a cat
My kid woke me up a 5:30 am because he was too hot. Never thought of myself as an extraordinary problem solver, but I told him to take his blanket off.
RELATIVE: You know about computers, right?
ME (has a degree in computer science): No
Rob thank god you picked up! Hey remember when you said if I needed a place to crash I cou- hold on *to copilot* STOP CRYING, ROB WILL HELP
Lucky old June.
I won’t get excited until Twitter adds a button that lets me correct mistakes in other people’s tweets.
Sensei: Class, one of the principles of judo is using your opponent’s weight against him.
Student: So…we fat-shame him into submission?
Sometimes at the beach it’s like “gross, is that a condom?” Yes. And it’s staying on. Not looking to raise any shark children.
#JohnTravolta
nfts were less about the money and more about the friends you scammed along the way.
It’s okay when Pac Man runs all over the place eating pills and claiming ghosts are after him but when I do it I’m “crazy.”
5: *comes in room* hey old lady
Me: *looks around*
5: *looks me in the eye* hey old lady
Me: *packages him up in Amazon box and puts outside for collection*
I’m my own worst enemy which is frustrating because I’d always hoped my worst enemy would have an eye patch.
i thought crypto and bitcoin were x-men characters
Cat: What are you doing?
Me: Nothing.
Cat: You were looking at younger cats again.
Me: No
Cat: Show me your Instagram feed.
Me: No way.
I predict that Obama’s next move is to threaten to hold his breath until Russia leaves the Crimea.
You are twice as likely to be killed by a vending machine then a shark.
So if you see any vending machines swimming near you, GET OUT OF THE WATER IMMEDIATELY.
I’m not self medicating myself with booze. The guy at the liquor store wrote me a prescription.
Well he called it a receipt…whatever.
wife: do u want a glass of water?
me: of what?
wife: water
me: a glass of what?
wife: oh my god. *sighs* earth soup
“My desires are… unconventional.”
“Show me.”
*opens door to a room full of memes*
Dearly beloved, we are gathered her today to place bets on how long this marriage will last because these idiots met 2 months ago.
I was always told that women can’t have it all but I just ate two everything babies.
Judge: Approach the bench.
Cat Lawyer:
Judge: pspspsps
Sometimes when I’m about to sneeze, I snort some glitter. Then when I finally sneeze, glitter fills the air and people think I’m a wizard.
A woman at the grocery store stopped me and asked “Do you know where the cheese is?” and it was the only time in my life that I confidently gave directions.