Last night the Ghosts of Halloween Past, Present and Future visited me and all had the same message: Don’t eat 5 bags of Reese’s Pumpkins again this year.
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In the near future, little old ladies won’t know how to sew, knit, or quilt, but they’ll take awesome self-pics in bathroom mirrors.
If you love someone, let them go.
If they don’t come back, get a dog.
i am in another room with the door open and she has food and water, and yet, my cat is out in the hallway meowing like she’s wandering through a post-apocalyptic wasteland and is the sole survivor
I used to be married to an active, vibrant, happy young woman who decided one day to hang a bird feeder in the back yard, and now I’m married to a glassy-eyed, unwashed maniac that stands at the kitchen window all day screaming at squirrels.
12 *randomly*: Hey, Mama, can I make a twitter account?
Me: *choking on coffee & coughing* No
12: What age do I have to be to make an account on there?
Me: 98
[first day as doctor]
ME: *holding patient’s hand* I have some bad news
PATIENT: what is it
ME: I amputated the wrong hand
i asked my mom why she was crying and she said because shes choping onions which is sad becuase as a young child she was adopted by onions
me: you remind me of my college boyfriend
husband: you never told me about him
me: we just started dating. he’s a junior
Is it true animals can sense danger? The cat’s been wearing a helmet all week, and it makes me nervous.
Sometimes it’s not about missing someone, it’s about reloading and trying again.
USA lose graciously to Belgium in the World Cup. Obama says no hard feelings & any drones heading towards Belgium are nothing to worry about
I load up my Volkswagen Beetle just like anyone else: one clown at a time.
There’s a bird in the yard and she’s shaking her tail feathers in hope of attracting a mate. HE SHOULD LOVE YOU FOR YOUR BRAIN, I yell.
I cut the size tags out of my clothes because I disagree.
Idea: Always carry around a chicken, so if you’re murdered your chalk outline won’t just be the same old boring shit.
They really need to stop naming hospitals after dead people.
Give us some hope.
Prius and Smart Car owners in my neighborhood got together and banned leaf blowers for safety reasons…
If you don’t kiss the one ring, Fredo will throw you in the fires on top of Old Smokey
911: What’s your emergency?
Me: I brought a girl home last night
911: That’s not an-
Me: NOW SHE WON’T LEAVE!
*swat team busts down my door*
the buddha: *on twitter* how dreadful. the karmic damage from this will greatly prolong your suffering in the cycle of rebirth
me: a lot of people are saying that
Me: Alexa, tell me a joke.
Alexa: I’m afraid I can’t due to all the updog.
Me: (long pause) Alexa, take over my Twitter.
Murderman V. Another Murderman: Dawn of Murdering
#BatmanvSuperman
me: do you want to feel my face, i’m very handsome
blind date: you do know i’m not actually blind, right?
me: *stuffing ryan gosling bust back into my bag* yes of course
Ok, it’s nearly 3.30 am here, someone give me some good sleeping tips! If I don’t answer you know they’ve worked!
Baby on board is probably the worst idea for charcuterie out there
First they came for the people who say “Awesome sauce,” and I said nothing, because, frankly, those people deserve it.
Cats don’t tell police where your drugs are.
I wanted to feel like a kid again so I soaked every towel getting out of the shower and trashed the bathroom.
(kids playing upstairs)
*loud crash*
Me: *slowly gets off the couch to take a look at everything we own*
Dang it, I looked at my phone for a second while driving and now I don’t know what road I’m on. Maybe I’ll ask this talky fellow on my hood.