Single and divorced men in their 40’s
prefer women at their own maturity level.That explains why they date women
half their age.
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I’m sorry baby, but me & you are not going to work out.
We are going to watch tv.
“Subpar accommodations. One star.” – Oldest known TripAdvisor rating for Bethlehem.
Bro what is this
Date: I like old fashioned guys
Me: I have polio
*Logging into Reddit in a wig and fake mustache*
Gentlemen, I think we should really stick it to Wall Street by finding me a girlfriend
My trainer told me to get on all fours and I got excited until she said now do tricep extensions.
Me: have a good day make good choices!
My kid: no promises!
AMULET: Touch me, and be cursed for eternity!!
ME: [picks it up] I feel fine.
AMULET: uh, I’m trying but- I can’t make ur life any worse.
told my boyfriend I was going to start my period and he said, “AGAIN??”
it’s like, you know what, you’re right, I’m cancelling my subscription.
The closest I’ve come to mastering a martial art is figuring out how to wash my feet in the shower
Which undead creature most enjoys playing hide-and-seek?
.
.
.
.
.
.
A wherewolf.#happyhalloween
[Christmas]
ME: You know how you wanted that new keurig?
HER: YES!? {rips open present} IT’S IT’S- just a cup of coffee?
ME: {whispering in her ear} From a keuriiiiiig.
My husband is really not letting me live down that one time we got into a super big argument because I thought buffalo were extinct.
I told the 8 year old that Taylor Swift is apparently dating a football player and she goes “oh man, she’s gonna write a breakup song about how he was just playing games”
me after noticing a slight change in someone’s energy towards me
I’m opening a Japanese restaurant for depressives.
It’s called “Miso Sad.”
They say kill ’em with kindness but it’s much quicker if you just take their phone charger away.
Life Hack: Get a dog and a cat and name them Resident and Occupant. Now that junkmail isn’t annoying, it’s adorable.
[NASA March 1970]
Me: 13’s unlucky. What if something bad happens?
NASA: dude why would you say that out loud!?!
[NASA April 1970]
[everyone in the Apollo 13 Mission Control slowly turns to look at me]
there was a sandwich. on the edge of the counter. and now there isn’t. those are all the details. we can confirm so far. the piece of lettuce on my nose. is purely circumstantial
When I said “I’m really good in bed” I was referring to sleeping. Sorry for the misunderstanding, you can pull your pants up now.
If you think the world revolves around you, you’re either a narcissist or a terrible astronomer.
Thank goodness I have subtitles on, otherwise how would I know there is sinister cackling
Mob boss: fellas, restrain him
me: you can’t restrain me if you’ve never strained me
Mob boss: and gag him
The number of decades in your age directly correlates to the days of recovery you need after a night out
[Mon]
Boss: Let’s talk about your clothes
Adam: But it’s my best leaf
B: You need officewear
A: Understood[Tues]
B: Is that a sticky note?
Having a little nap on the sofa before taking myself up to bed for my main sleep; I call that a snors d’oeuvre.
CAUTION : THE ROADS ARE SO DANGEROUS RIGHT NOW UNLESS YOU WANNA GO GET ME SOME BAGELS, THEN THEY ARE FINE
5-year-old daughter: Barbie is mad at Ken.
*pushes their faces together*
Me: Did they kiss and make up?
5: No. She headbutted him.
friend: our baby was a surprise
me: *aware that pregnancy lasts for nine months* … how