Assorted bandaid box-
3 in a size you need
12 you can make work
35 round to weigh box down
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God: you can climb trees, go on land and swim in water.
Snake: OMG, really?
God: pretty cool right!
Snake: you didn’t have to do all this!
God: it was nothing
Snake: so how fast can I run?
God:
Snake: I bet I can run really fast!
God:
Snake: so fast on my legs!
Alexa, give me the winning lottery numbers for tonight
So many conspiracy theory tweets on my timeline right now about Kate Middleton, when the actual answer is staring us all right in the face: she abandoned her family to do an intensive, residential Photoshop course, and pretended to be having surgery to cover it up.
A cropped version of my wind turbines cartoon seems to be doing the rounds. It’s by me, if you see it.
Him: I wonder if this dealership is open.
Me: Are you stupid? The parking lot is full.
Me: you seem disappointed
Dracula: *holding a bloody Mary* it’s fine, I’m fine
never deleting this app.
Million dollar idea: Selling shower heads at the exit of a Ryan Gosling movie
Never ask anyone eating their meal directly out of a pot on the stove how their day was
Him: I’m drawn to winged creatures.
Me: *bats eyelashes, cocks head, makes duck lips*
Did you know that there is a little lonely man inside automatic towel dispensers that gives you a towel because he’s happy you waved to him?
I fail to see how his relationship status is of any relevance
I could never do time in prison – The handshakes are way too complicated.
My children will either grow up with a sarcastic, dark sense of humor or they’ll wind up a serial killer team. Either way, I’m excited that I won’t have to drive them to birthday parties.
My sports-obsessed ex-wife didn’t ask me for a divorce. She told me she was trading me for a player to be named later.
Nobody:
Kindergartener learning consonant sounds: F-f-fish starts with F and f-f-frog starts with F too, and my mom says a word that starts with F but it sounds kind of like duck. *pause* I don’t know if I’m supposed to say THAT here.
GUY: Hey, hold the elevator!
ME: *laughs to myself as I don’t hold the elevator* It’s the little things that make life worth living.*12 hours later*
GUY: *who is apparently building maintenance* I was trying to warn you it was broken.
Ticket Clerk: Enjoy the film!
Me: U too!
TC: Really? You’ll take me with u?
Me: I didn’t mean..
TC: Oh, I see
Me: I’m sor
TC: [sobs] JUST GO
Discuss
I miss trying to seem sober to a bartender and just way overdoing it like “Excuse me good sire, may I please inquire as to the whereabouts of your bathing rooms?”
Tried belly dancing but ended up looking like an insect about to die.
4pm
Me: How was school today?
Kid: …6pm
Me: Do anything fun today?
Kid: …Bedtime
Me: Goodnight!
Kid: Guess what happened at school?
friend: vending machines kill more people per year than sharks
me, swimming in the ocean and a vending machine is coming right at me: oh no
I think what my heartburn needs is some fried chicken
quick while the government is shut down let’s all switch to metric
this isn’t as bad as i thought it was going to be.
-my 12yo complimenting dinner
[himalayan monastery]
me: dad? it took 27 years of searching but I finally found you!
dad: mhmm now it’s your turn to hide
Music Royalty Succession Chart
Queen
|
Prince
|
Duke Ellington
|
Steve Earle
|
Lorde
|
Lady Gaga
|
Sir Mix-a-Lot
I do not want a robot dog. I do want some sort of high-speed Wi-Fi router mobile hotspot installed in my current dog
Facebook is a great platform to find long lost friends to borrow money from.