My girlfriend broke up with me because she and I had different opinions. My opinion was that I was worth dating.
I always try to hold in my sneezes so I don’t give someone a reason to talk to me
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Good thing Father’s Day is only one day. I don’t think I could stand to be a father longer than that.
I can’t wait for the day when we can place specific blame in the fine print of pharmaceutical ads like CARL YOU’RE THE REASON WE CAN’T USE THIS WHEN WE’RE DRIVING THE BULLDOZER
ELEPHANT COP: I recognize you
LION: I just have one of those familiar faces
ELEPHANT COP: You don’t know who the hell you’re dealing with
I made a book review bingo card. Critics are hailing it as ‘a remarkable achievement’.
[Voice from police helicopter]
PUT YOUR HANDS IN THE AIR!
*takes flattering selfie in helicopter spotlight*
*uploads new avi*
*Wife sends me a link*
*I click on link*
*Buy whatever’s at the link*
*wait for delivery*
~Christmas shopping for my wife
I’m less upset with Lance Armstrong lying about taking performance-enchancing drugs than I am at Oprah for lying about retiring.
MAGICIAN: Think of a horse
MAGICIAN: You thinking of one?
MAGICIAN: Cool right?
ME: Very cool
My house is cleaner than it’s ever been and given that no one is allowed to come over to see it you’ll just have to take my word for it