Christian Bale named his son Burrito Bale when he could have named him Taco Bale. I want that noted the next time the conversation comes up about who’s the best Batman.
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So Torchwood, the Who spinoff, is notably an anagram of Doctor Who, so obviously this must be the rule for all subsequent spinoffs. I’m now going to pitch my show “Hoot Crowd” about a large group of time-travelling owls.
I’d survive scream bc i don’t answer the phone ever
me trying to explain to google a song i heard 2 years ago
Let’s cut to the chase babe. I’ve only got a few DMs left.
My heart hurts when you’re not around
*buuurrrrpp*
Never mind
Nobody works harder than a drunk person trying to carefully whisper a secret.
O: put your seatbelt on, honey
o: i will, mom
O: you ready?
ø: yes
My 5yo can’t remember to take off his shirt before showering but he remembered that a month ago I said we’d go to the water park on Saturday
me: do you want to feel my face, i’m very handsome
blind date: you do know i’m not actually blind, right?
me: *stuffing ryan gosling bust back into my bag* yes of course
Learning just enough german words to yell so I can scare my neighbors
It’s very rare that a defibrillator fails
But when it does,
no one is shocked
Kids are great at pretend play, like how they pretend no one’s home when the doorbell rings haha wait just kidding ain’t no way they’re doin’ that.
Son: so a bee’s stripes are to tell other animals to stay far away?
Me: yeah, kind of like-
*a jacked up, neon green trans-am with mud tires rolls by*
Son: like that?
Me: exactly like that
me: [listening to The Twelve Days of Christmas] “no person wants this many birds”
I wanted to make my apartment feel more like a hotel, so I charged myself $40 for a cheese plate and watched the second half of Gladiator
I miss going to weddings just to bring home the centerpieces.
I was having sex with this woman for 10 minutes before I realized it was a man, and then for like 20 minutes after.
A couple of weeks ago I replaced my work computer with an aquarium. If anyone asks, I say it’s my screensaver.
[Wedding day]
Bride: *coming down the aisle* WTF? You’re wearing the same dress as me!?!?
Me: Well THIS is awkward
Priest: *in same dress* Ok. One of us has to change
That awkward moment when you lazily follow someone cos of 1 funny joke, then realize all the rest of their stuff is KKK recruitment material
You can strip us of our rights,
our dignity and our freedom but know this; we will NEVER stop correcting your grammar.
Went grocery shopping on an empty stomach and I only spent $9,000.00
[boxing match]
ANNOUNCER: …and the challenger weighing 8lbs 7oz, Billy “The Baby” Sanchez
CHAMP: That’s a real baby
TRAINER: You got this
My little sister graduated high school and her quote i-
Wife: You know Frosted Flakes aren’t healthy, right? You should be eating better at your age.
Me: The tiger says they’re forty fived with vitamins and minerals
What do we want?
SOME GOOD DECISIONS!When do we want them?
BEFORE LAST NIGHT!
Going viral is a great way to see that 50,000 people looked at your profile and thought, nah.
Wife: “these are the nice ornaments. Put them in the front of the tree”
Me: “all decorations are beautiful in their own way”
Wife (cont.) “and these are the shit ones you bury deep in the branches”
[hearing burglar noises downstairs, my dog and I exchange worried glances]
Dog: I guess I could protect you?
Me: dude you’ve been in one fight in your life and that was with a blanket
Him: I’m a morning person
Me *scared of werewolves* w…what are you at night??