I always try to hold in my sneezes so I don’t give someone a reason to talk to me

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So my drug dealer just died. I’m thinking about going to his funeral to, you know, network.


I dropped a LOT of acid in the 70s. It was sulfuric acid. I worked for a chemist you see…well a few chemists. I kept getting fired for dro


He who knows, does not speak. He who speaks, does not know. Shut up, is basically what I’m saying.


What is the difference between a girl and a pool table?
You have a shot with a pool table.


Telling people to ban same sex marriage cuz of your religion is like telling the supermarket to stop selling junk food cuz you’re on a diet.


Me: Excuse me

Waiter: Yes?

M: The wine’s corked

W: This is Holy Communion, the wine’s blessed

M: And the breadsticks are stale. I want to see the manager

*gets struck by lightning


Sometimes I like to spend my Sunday afternoon being screamed at by a 5 year old for eating the sandwiches I made for her imaginary friend.


[Seeing your baby for the first time]

Don’t say she has a big head.
Don’t say she has a big head.

Me: At least you don’t have to worry about her head getting caught between the crib slats.