I always try to hold the door open for women I see walk by, so we can talk and get to know each other. But none of them will get in my car.
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Me sneaking to the kitchen at 2am to get a peanut butter bar
[gun goes off]
[every runner pretends to be wounded, then laughs and starts the race]
ANNOUNCER: and the annual Dad 5k is underway
I failed a history exam, stood-up my girlfriend and accidentally bought a packet of figs today because I’m terrible with dates.
Imagine seeing the most perfect creature walking towards you. They stop. You look deep into their eyes, heart pounding with deep compassion. Your fingers tremble yearning to caress them.
And then you hear those words…
“He’s a service dog. You can’t pet him.”
I am so desperate for summer I’m actually looking forward to wasps.
me: *getting to class really late and hungover* ugh please don’t call on me
student: professor?
me: shit
The 7-yr old has the flu so I’m letting her lick the envelopes of all my credit card bills.
“You’re not pretty enough. Now pay us $3.99 so we can tell you why.” – Magazines
It’s adorable when I bring workout clothes on a trip to Miami like I’m not just going to eat, drink, and sleep.
me: my girlfriend’s a model
him: oh yeah what kind?
me: papier-mâché
Conversation between my mom and my 12 year old brother. I am in tears.
hey i know we haven’t talked since high school but we’re celebrating our 10 year friendversary on facebook. what are u up to tonight lol
It’s a good thing this pandemic is almost over and we’ll be returning to the office soon because I’m almost out of Post-it Notes at home.
my toddler should guest star on American Idol because his critiques of my singing would make Simon Cowell blush
ME: How are you?
“I can’t complain”
ME: Maybe you’re not trying hard enough
(pediatric emergency dept)
Me: what’s your name?
4yo boy: I wear size 11 dinosaur shoes and my socks are spiderman today, see? *takes off shoes, shows me socks*
Me: awesome, those are really cool
4yo boy: yeah, I know!
Mom: I promise he knows his name
me: what’s a 3-letter word for compete
dracula: vie
me: for a crossword puzzle
Raise your arms and run through the police crime scene tape like you’re finishing a marathon.
How to tell if your wife is mad at you
1. She is
I am a brown supremacist. I dream that the whole world will be one giant call centre one day.
My phone just changed, ‘calendar’ to ‘cake radar’ and now I really wish I had that.
Me: What fresh hell is this?
Satan: *turns to camera, winks* Thanks, Febreze!
me: [breaks long awkward silence] “so what do you do for a living?”
taxi driver: [just looks at me]
godzilla: lol KING kong, a little pretentious aren’t we
king kong: oh you’re one to talk
GRADUATION TIP: Don’t graduate! The real world is terrifying. Hide out in the library. They can’t make you leave if they can’t find you!
“I’M COLD!” yells the teen who is wearing shorts & a tshirt in 40 degree weather & ignored his mother when she said to dress warmer.
I’d like to thank whomever told my mom that WTF means “wow that’s fantastic.” Her texts are so much more fun now.
My daughter just started a question with: So mom, you’ve been old for a really long time…
I don’t know what the rest of the question was, I stopped listening after “long time”
You want me to go to the bathroom? The thing that killed Elvis?