I always try to put some condom wrappers in my garbage so the raccoons that go through my trash think I’m cool.
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I want to open a coffee shop at the Family Law Court called Grounds for Divorce
My Kid: (seeing Wife with a plate of fries) Mommy, can I have some of your fries?
Wife: No. (Points at me who is also having fries) Go ask Daddy
My Kid: Daddy, can I have some of Mommy’s fries
My Brain: Don’t high five your kid right now. Don’t high five your kid right now…
God invented co-workers to remind us that dying alone wouldn’t be such a bad thing.
I went deep sea fishing once and caught what I thought was a marlin, but was actually a catfish with a party hat glued to its face.
SON: mommy I’m scared of the bogeyman
ME: there is no bogeyman honey
SON: he’s not real?
ME: oh he’s very real. but I hunted him down years ago
SON:
ME: there was so much blood
SON:
ME: [whispers] his head is in the basement freezer
I went to a seafood disco last week and pulled a mussel.
In every successful relationship the MAN always has the last word – “Yes Dear.”
Hi… So do you like really chunky lower legs and stuff? I kick strong!
~ Me, clearly not impressing the girls when I was in High School.
Don’t talk to me unless you are a ham sandwich.
Wife: what do you want to do for you birthday?
Me: not answer any more questions.
A friend just texted me & asked for relationship advice. That’s like asking the pope to name all the members of Slipknot.
[calculating calories]
Breakfast: 300
Lunch: 500
Dinner: 700
Snacking while preparing dinner: 8,374
How animals would run if they were human
Interviewer: what would you say is your greatest weakness?
Me: probably that I’m easily intimidated by others
I: and your greatest strength?
Me: lulling others into a false sense of superiority
earth: *typing symptoms into webmd*
webmd: *breathes in sharply* why don’t you go ahead and have a seat
tonight i learned that my mom ended a friendship because the person in question claimed a baby was flirting, and i have never respected her more
My son came home from golfing & took the longest nap. When he woke up, he said, “I took a total Dad nap. I’m going to make the best Dad!”
Something tells me his future wife will not agree with this.
Any house is an Airbnb if you’re quiet enough
I want to die from natural causes like being murdered by a sunset.
Connor Sadzeck Connor Happyzeck
Like dudes straight up do not pay attention. It took Bruce Willis 2 hours and 10 minutes to realize he was a damn ghost in the Sixth Sense.
my kid had her whole class make birthday cards for her dog who celebrated his birthday yesterday.
we don’t have a dog.
I can’t blame this generation too much for doing stupid stuff. My generation thought 7 Police Academy movies were a good idea
My aunt: [to my kid] You’ve gotten so big!
Me, quietly to myself: don’t say it, don’t say it, don’t say it…
My kid: So have you!
Me: There it is
7-11 CLERK: what are you doing
ME: *staring at the hot dogs on the metal rollers* watching the oscars
Long story short, I accidentally left the cat in the refrigerator.
if a doctor ever tried to hit *my* knee with a tiny hammer? hoo boy… all i’m sayin is, it’s a good thing they already live at the hospital
I’m never gonna tell the person I’m meeting up with that you said hi.
9-year-old: Sorry I stayed up past my bedtime last night.
Me: You stayed up past your bedtime?
9: No.
Whatever happened to Lindsay Lohan’s twin sister?
Haven’t seen or heard anything from her since Parent Trap