I always try to put some condom wrappers in my garbage so the raccoons that go through my trash think I’m cool.
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Misery loves Company, whereas Company is just trying to get laid.
Absolutely noone:
Americans: I took French at school but all I can remember is fromage.
Doctor said if I have a vasectomy I wouldn’t have any kids, had the operation, got home, they’re still there
“to my son, i leave my bathroom scale” the lawyer sighs “because where theres a will, theres a weigh. to my wife, i leave my last high five”
[cat clinic]
CAT: I have insomnia
DR. CAT: How bad is it?
CAT: I haven’t slept in 20 minutes
DR. CAT: *is napping*
In the seconds before I die, I hope I’m allowed to correct someone’s grammar.
Remember, ladies, when you’re taking those selfies, the camera adds like 10 cats.
I can’t do this. I think I’m dying. Why does your face look like a donut?
~ me 30 minutes into dieting
Why did the new psychology student eat their textbook?
Because the professor said it was a piece of cake!
😂
me: uhhh what did you do?
9: [frantically trying to wash his blue colored hands] nothing. I did nothing!
people get sad when a bird flys into a window but when i do it its a big hassle
daughter: there’s a monster under my bed
me: why do you say that?
daughter: because when i stick my foot out from under the covers, the monster grabs it
me: [to son] have you been hiding under your sister’s bed?
son: *sighs* yes
me: did you see a monster under there
when you’re jamming to an old-school r&b song and someone older than you ask “what you know about this?”
me:
some people try so hard to be anti technology “i don’t watch tv i watch the sunrise and my favorite director is god” can u calm down
The Cranberries put a zombie in your head and you just let them.
Sorry waiter for pushing you over when you asked me to tip you
*sips from glass of water that’s been sitting out for a while*
ugh, it tastes like the house
Authors, for the love of all things, let your protagonists sleep sometimes.
My son is begging for a pet dog as if he doesn’t remember what happened with our chia pet. Or the second chia pet. Or the third…
Sex so kinky your foam mattress has to repress the memory.
Getting escorted outta Panera for doing keg stands at the charged lemonade machine.
If you can’t handle me at my worst, then you have extremely good judgement.
HIM: I wanna be more than friends.
ME: You wanna be BEST friends?
I’m the drunk sheep of the family.
[during fight]
him: I’ll cancel our dinner plans.
me: What? Why?? I still like food, it’s you I don’t like.
squirrel: *points gun*
me: what do you want me to do?
squirrel: *gestures at sign*
me: alright, i get it *opens book drop*
squirrel: *makes hurry-up motion*
me: NOT A SQUIRREL!
I have like 17 hours to kill I think I’ll listen to one Pink Floyd song
“don’t worry about a thing”
“why”
“’cause every little thing gonna be all right”
“what about all the big things”
“ooh forgot about big things”
I don’t like being asked “are you at home?” Please expand further so I can know whether I’m at home or not.
[1st date, don’t let her know you’re a panda]
“Do u mind if I ask how you got the um *gestures at eyes*
These? I..*rubs neck* cage fighting