I always try to tell myself that I don’t actually hate people as much as I say I do…and then I go to the mall.
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Treat your guests like family, so they don’t stay too long.
Not one single dinosaur in Oppenheimer.
oh shit. came home & there is a giant cat in the bed
5: Is it okay if I don’t eat all my ice cream?
Me *already happily eating it*: As long as you ate what you want it’s okay, except that now poor mommy has to finish it
5: Will you be okay, poor mommy?
Me *scraping the bottom*: In time I will probably recover
Me: “authenticity” is a weird concept with food. Most people would consider pizza to be more Italian than American. But the tomato only came to Italy in the 16th Century from, you guessed it, the Americas
Domino’s guy: please let me go, the app knows where I am
Woke up with the sinuses of an English bulldog.
If you don’t fold the laundry, it won’t get folded. I know because I run this experiment weekly
Nuff said? No seriously, what did Nuff say?
[the next jurassic park movie]
ATTENDANT: Oh no the dinosaurs have escaped again!
ME: Why do people keep coming here…?
I had a dream that I was making an offer on a house and it came with 12 kids. I asked the owner “why aren’t you taking all your children?” She replied “I don’t like them.”
I thought dreams weren’t supposed to make sense.
[ alone in a dark cemetery ]
me: marco
date: this is so romantic
me: just the two of us
date: and the stars
me: and the moon
the moon: *winks at my date*
me: *narrowing eyes* son of a-
I’ve been kicked out of my gym for dressing like the grim reaper and standing silently behind people on treadmills.
[chatting up a man in camouflage pants]
Where’d you get those tree legs, garden boy
My Ex Sarah ghosted me. Some experts call this phenomenon, Sarah-normal activity
I don’t mean to appear simple-minded but I don’t understand how snails made it to Noah’s Ark but unicorns didn’t.
WIFE: no no no I loved your vows I just thought you could’ve used the word ‘bloodthirsty’ a little less
your poor choice of wiper speed is stressing me out
Ma’am do you know anything about your husband’s death?
Yeah, suicide. It’s awful isn’t it?
You’re saying he chopped himself up and threw his body in the lake?
*sigh* I know, he had some real demons.
To change the traffic light from red to green, pick up your phone and try to read a text on your cellphone.
[restaurant]
date: this chicken is a little dry
me: I think my burger‘s undercooked
waiter: how is everything
me: it’s great
date: so good
“That is fertilizer” -Vin Scully
I want to be the first Disney princess who uses three layers of pizza to suffocate the main villain.
Call me Pizzerella de Mozzarella.
I killed an hour today. The other measurements of time are terrified of me now.
Still wondering if Rick Astley gives up anything for Lent.
Our elf has only been here two nights and hasn’t bothered to move from her spot. We’re having a performance review this evening and if she doesn’t get her shit together she’s getting fired just like that good for nothing tooth fairy did last summer.
I played Dungeons and Dragons with my daughters.
They were supposed to fight the wolves surrounding a town.
Instead, they fed the wolves and turned them into their friendly wolf army.
Girls, man. They’ll take over the world.
Facebook-
You: Going to a concert tonight!
Friend: Sweet, what concert?
Aunt: WHAT IS ITUNEZ?????? HOW IS YOUR DAD????? I LOVE YOU XOXOXO
Are we there yet?…
who called them poets and not rhyme machines?