I always use a short cut when I’m going to knife fight a midget.

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When someone tells you that they cut their own hair, it’s polite to act surprised


Stars! They’re just like us! Gaseous and dying


Ian: It’s done.
Mafia boss: Did you go anywhere nice?
I: What?
MB: Like a restaurant.
I: I killed him.
MB: I said take him out! Oh god, Tim!


I was sitting there getting my hair cut, when a spider ran across the floor.

And that’s how you accidentally get bangs.


astrology then: I seek the meaning of human life in the stars.

astrology now: If Capricorns Were A Type Of Noodle, They Would Be Rigatoni.


Cop: how long will it take you to hack into the kidnapper’s computer?

Me: idk, two, three hours?

Cop: you have fifteen minutes

Me: then the kid’s gonna die dude


Me: I mean you really should have called me sooner


Cop- Do you have any drugs in the vehicle?

-No, go fish.


I made a ton of jokes about swine flu, but then I got swine flu. And as they rushed me to the hospital, I honestly thought I was going to die. So I used what little energy I had left to send this final text to a friend: “Make sure they serve pork at my funeral.”


Is it the 5 second rule or the 10 second rule?

Well, either way, I wouldn’t worry too much about any germs. Here’s your baby back.


Even when food is heaven on Earth

my husband adds hot sauce till it tastes like satan.