I always use a short cut when I’m going to knife fight a midget.
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Let’s just say she wasn’t impressed when I picked her up in my go-kart.
[presidents 2km race – finish line]
OBAMA (checks stopwatch): just under 10 mins, did I beat the record?
CLINTON: no, Bush did 9:11
ME, in my 20s: Bro, if you bring chips, make sure you get the “Scarlet Viper Ghost Dragon Habanero Pepper” flavor! Whooo!
ME, now: Excuse me, young man, do you carry “A Timid Suggestion of Chive” chips? I have a prescription from my gastroenterologist.
I have a Russian friend who’s a sound technician.
And a Czech one too.
I tell my boyfriend I love him all the time and all he says are things like “make a left in 300 feet” and “you’ve reached your destination.”
You’re only as old as the sounds you make when you get out of the car
The enemy of my enemy is my friend unless they don’t dance and if they don’t dance well they’re no friend of mine.
“Wow, more ABBA. Shocking.”
-anyone on road trips with me
Is athlete’s foot [gulp] fatal, doc?
“Not with the proper treatment.”
*gives foot $56M 7-year contract*
Wife: what are you watching?
Me: See II
Wife: don’t you mean Saw II?
Me: not till it’s over
Roommate and I got our first electric bill and long story short we’re now Amish
1st base is watching horror movies together. 2nd base is asking if they think birds are real. 3rd base is determining whether they are prepared for a zombie apocalypse. Home base is abandoning society & moving into the woods together.
[First day of zombie apocalypse]
Me: We have enough food to last 18 months.
Wife: Ok, we need to ration properly-
[Both kids walk in with crumbs on their faces]: Anything left to eat?
From now on when you see me use the word “variants” know that I’m referring to my children.
People who think this giraffe is taking forever to give birth have never listened to my daughter tell a story.
Came back from the doctor and told my wife that I was perfectly healthy and I could’ve sworn she mouthed the word “crap”.
Read about a 60 yr old woman wanting to swim from Florida to Cuba & felt inspired & wanted to help so I emailed her a picture of a boat
If really good-looking people are “eye candy” I guess that puts me somewhere around the “eye broccoli” category.
CEO: We will be taking the company photo a fourth time, because it came out blurry AGAIN.
Loch Ness Monster: *sweats, adjusts fake mustache*
it took three months to convince my barber to perform a root canal
Saw (2004, Horror): An old man gives 2 people instructions on how to walk out of a bathroom. 102 minutes.
I dreamt I was getting attacked by a bike repeatedly.
It was a vicious cycle.
Your french fries are just my french fries on the wrong plate.
Whoever coined the term sticktoitiveness really got away with some bullshit there
i have been told spending the night in this haunted house will grant me immunity from being pranked or fooled on the april fool day
Pro tip: If you ever lose your wedding ring, just run the vacuum cleaner. You’ll find it.
First date idea: you, me, and a blanket
under the stars. We slap the shit out of each other but it’s sweet because of all the mosquitoes
My daughter just put Nutella on Toast, which doesn’t sound like a big deal but Toast is the name of her cat.
The IRS will never call, text, or e-mail just to ask if you’ve got plans to do something fun this weekend.
Daughter: Alexa play Let it Go.
Me: when I was your age I had to call the radio station, wait on hold for 30 mins to request a song, then sit by my boom box for an hour with a blank cassette tape for my song to play so I could record it.
Daughter: I don’t know what that means.