I always used to hate jazz but then I watched Ken Burns’ documentary on jazz which gave me a whole new appreciation for how much I also hate documentaries.
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me: what’s your favorite book
her: I love 1984
me: just pick one
I’ve done a lot of crazy things in my life. Things I’m not proud of. Things I should be ashamed of. And I hope I’m not finished.
Men are really out here thinking that a hike is a good first date. Sir that’s a last date. That’s how people get murdered.
Think of a thing.
Theres an e cig flavor for that.
JOURNEY:
🎶Strangers, waiting,🎶
🎶Up and down the boulevard🎶
🎶Their shadows searching in the night!🎶ME: Now, wait just a goshdarn minute. How in the heck can you have shadows at night??
JOURNEY:
🎶Streetlights,🎶
🎶people🎶ME: Ah. Carry on.
Me: Where’s your water bottle?
3yo: I don’t know.
Me: Can you please go look for it?
3yo: *without moving or breaking eye contact* I can’t find it.
We need more people like this.
This is no longer winter this is harassment
therapist: a lot of my clients are feeling that way right now
me: ok rank us
“were u & mommy wrestling naked last night?”
haha no honey ur mom & i were just playing
*pulls wife aside* DID U TELL HER ABOUT FIGHT CLUB?
doctor: drugs have destroyed your body
me: you should see the other guy
doctor: what other guy
me: only i can see him
When Miley Cyrus is naked and licks a hammer it’s “art” and “music” , but when I do it I’m “wasted” and “have to leave the Hardware Store”
Why do all these blurry people keep telling me I’m drunk?
This is the way the world ends.
Not with a bang but with a Zoom meeting that never ends due to technical issues.
The anger from one Canada goose, if harnassed properly, could power Toronto for a year
You’d think for $40 they’d be able to cut anything but apparently my wife’s expensive craft scissors are not for opening ice pops.
[first day as a peterinarian]
Customer: I think there’s a misprint on that sign
Me (petting dog): No.
Apparently showing the pharmacist a picture of my wife was not a good enough reason to get Valium without a prescription.
There should be a special rating system for movies that tells you how uncomfortable you’ll be if you watch them with your parents.
A mom hits peak passive aggressive when faced with the request “tell me a story”
Well Billy, once upon a time there was a little boy who literally never picked up his shit
In zoom meetings I try to sit as still as possible so that people think my connection is bad and don’t call on me
wife: Why is your back all scratched up?
[flashback to me chasing a raccoon after she told me to leave it alone]
me: I’m having an affair
The human body is 75% water so we’re, basically, just lettuce with anxiety.
Tiime isn’t on my side, it’s on my face, wrinkling my forehead.
One of my biggest fears during a zombie apocalypse is having to sleep without a fan
*queen points out window*
“what’s that flashing out the window?”
“Lightning, My Queen”
*car busts thru window*
DID I HEAR LIGHTNING McQUEEN
Every motorcycle cop is a liquid terminator until proven otherwise.
*seats stuffed animals around the table for a team meeting*
Everyone, I think I’ve been working from home for too long.
Warring nations should hurl their politicians at each other.