The danger of me asking why people don’t like Taylor Swift’s new boyfriend is that someone might tell me.
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My husband pissed me off so I made him his favorite chocolate chip cookies and used black beans instead of chocolate
Anyone know a Minecraft interpreter? I don’t understand my son’s Christmas list.
You didn’t let me know you got home safely so you better at least be injured or I’m gonna be pissed.
On my way into the gym, I quietly drop my empty Reese’s Pieces box into the trash can. My commitment to healthy living remains steadfast.
Wildebeest: 5 cheetahs on the horizon sir
Wildebeest Sergeant: How many men do we have?
Wildebeest: 4,000
Wildebeest Sergeant: RETREAT!
My boss told me I scare and intimidate people including my co-workers
so I challenged him to a staredown.
I just got hit head on by a crazy women riding a menstrual cycle.
And here I am – not at Coachella – again. Thank the gods.
Dammit, I forgot which one I left my key under.
At first you don’t succeed, destroy the paper trail saying you tried.
Actual warning I saw in a pamphlet:
“You may be at risk for throat cancer if you have a throat or mouth.”
Oh shit….
Me: The shirt I’m wearing feels heavier than usual
WebMD: *Blocked
If microbiologists are so smart then how did they end up so tiny?
If I die before I wake, I pray the lord has ice cream cake.
Make sure your first place together is on the ground floor, so when she throws your stuff out the window, it won’t break.
me: Can you swing by Taco Bell?
guy driving the ambulance:
I’m keeping my wedding small. Probably won’t have a bride.
Me: *puts mistletoe over our heads* oooh you know what this means
Dementor: what the hell
*dipping a tortilla chip into an active volcano*
Me: This salsa is spicy
Anyone got a 10 year old daughter I could introduce as mine?
Stuck in an elaborate lie after putting my music on shuffle at a party.
Whenever I have to sign something to send back to my kid’s school, I always worry they’ll think she forged it even though I try to use my best “grown-up” penmanship.
what the
Me: *looking at spider in my bathroom*
Spider:
Me:
Spider:
Me: so, are we gonna do this superhero thing now or do you want me to flush you?
Many people that appear “cool” actually struggle with feelings of inadequacy. Not me. I have those feelings without appearing cool at all.
Whoa. Wait a minute.
So those stick figures on your car aren’t for pedestrians you ran over?
Damn it!
*starts scraping off her stickers*
My boss says that I have some exciting new assignments coming, whoa buddy, I will be the judge of that.
she kept her secret snacks under the false bottom of a vintage hat box behind the old hoover vacuum in the guest bedroom closet…amateur
If they ever invent time travel my dad would still insist on leaving early to avoid traffic
In college I had 3 girlfriends at the same time. 10 years and a wife later, I have 0 girlfriends. Stay in school kids.
never saying ‘i love you’ first ever again