I always wanted to be an anesthesiologist but I gave up that dream because I couldn’t figure out how to spell it.
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My what?
My middle son has two imaginary horses that he always brings to my house
It’s really sweet, but it’s costing me a fortune in imaginary hay
Love is a can of soda. Open it up too fast & it explodes all over you. Take too long, it goes flat. But no matter what you should recycle.
OMG 🤣🤣
I was on a search party in the forest last night.
Bit of a boring party.
We found a dead guy though.
ME: I’m so nervous. It’s my first day on the job. I definitely fibbed on my qualifications to get this job. Hope I can figure it out before I mess up.
CO-PILOT: …What?
If you’ve figured out one woman then you’ve figured out one woman
[bar]
DOG: Pour me a double. This day can’t get any worse…
CAT BARTENDER: [slowly pushes drink off the bar]
John Lennon: Lucy in the sky with diamonds!
Friend: *sighing* that- that’s not how Clue works
don’t smoke pots because they are made of clay and can burn your tongue
Trapped beneath the feet of a bearded giant…
Cut off from the world.
Stephen King & Pixar present:
“A BUG’S LIFE 3: UNDER THE GNOME”
They agreed upon ‘almond milk’ when the original name – flavoured nut water – was rejected by test audiences, for whatever reason…
Startle and amuse your cat by replacing its kitty litter with Poprocks. (Ladies: feel free to share this idea on your pinny website thing.)
There are two sides to every story and I’m usually wrong in both.
My wife asked me why I was speaking so softly at home. I told her I was afraid Mark Zuckerberg was listening! She laughed. I laughed. Alexa laughed. Siri laughed.
Crocodile towels ☺ @funTweeters @fun_tweets
If my yogurt drink which included “billions of live and active cultures” expired three days ago, did I just have a mass funeral in my belly?
You know the sex is bad when you start counting how many bugs got caught in the ceiling fan, and much worse when you only make it to three
People say Twitter is a futile waste of time, but that’s only if you’re doing it right
foreign coworker keeps referring to our org chart as our “hierarchy” and it’s making our more socially attuned leaders visibly uncomfortable lmao
I like when new parents tell you “he calls his one set of grandparents grandma and grandpa and the other grong grong and poodeepie.”
it amazes me that people still say they want a “fairy-tale marriage” when most fairy-tale marriages end with the lady getting angry and returning to the sea from whence she came.
[after plane flies upside down for a full minute]
pilot: sorry about that turbulence folks i was having a nightmare
Hey, Christianity- what’s all the fuss about a virgin anyway? I could be a virgin if I wanted to. But I don’t. Because sex. Also? More sex.
zookeeper: [putting up sign] do not feed the animals
giraffe: [also putting a sign up somehow] the zoo does not speak on our behalf
PRO TIP: Stall your execution by asking if the lethal injection chemicals are gluten-free.
One time I was teaching a guy how to use the stump grinder and he said no worries it’s just a machine they pretty much all run the same. And I was like wow that’s a great point I really admire that. And then he ran it through a shed
My 5yo son at a cookout, “Where are the scrambled eggs?”
Stop saying “so I did a thing”…just say what you did, moron