I always wanted to be just like Flo Rida. That’s why I changed my name to “New Ham Sure”
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When I was a little kid, I used to think “this little pig went to market,” meant it was going shopping!
When I tell you “I’m open to feedback” I’m telling you to be nice to me or I’ll resort to violence
When life gives you lemons maybe think to yourself, “that’s really quite remarkable given how far I live from a climate capable of growing citrus.”
Odd – my boss told me to meet him at the abandoned quarry at midnight for my performance evaluation
I don’t care if it’s a Hell Hound or not, I’m still going to pet it.
I’m working out again in hopes that I can wear my superhero shirt in public without someone saying, “Batman really let himself go”.
Can’t believe you got your kid’s name tattooed on you, like what if you break up?
I haven’t had a good nights sleep since I started wondering what holds up those blocks in Mario.
I know a couple who’s kids names are Zayden, Izyan and Fender. They just named their new dog Dan.
Doctor: Are you sexually active?
Me: LMAO! The question should be when am I NOT sexually active!!
Doctor: ok when are you not sexually active?
Me: All the time
I was visiting my parents this past weekend and Y’ALL, I had no idea how intense birdwatching can get.
So Nicolas Cage and John Travolta walk into a bar and the bartender says “hey, why the wrong face?”
[Clown College]
Teacher: Ok so balloon animals are pretty simple, you ju-
Pennywise: *raising hand*
Teacher: Any questions that are NOT about eating children?
Pennywise: *sadly putting hand down*
horror movie
– but it’s just her throwing on the hallmark channel after handcuffing me to the bedposts
I see dead people. Although according to the charge sheet, the law refers to it as necrophilia.
‘Twas the day before Lent, and when it was done, not a creature was sober, not even a nun.
My debt forgiveness plan is simple: I have hidden five golden tickets in chocolate bars around the world. The lucky children that find the bars can use the tickets to pay tuition fees if they pass a series of simple tests during a visit to my candy factory
Me: *stuffing a ham into my pillow*
Wife: what are you doing
Me: it’s in case someone tries to stuff a ham into my pillow, they’ll be like “ah damn”
Me: i think i’m being hunted by a great white shark
Wife: nonsense, we’re on land
*Weirdly-shaped grandfather clock i don’t remember owning exhales sigh of relief*
guy creating teenage mutant ninja turtles: so theyre teens, theyre turtles, whats something only the coolest teens do?
co-worker with a ponytail: karate
Is it just me or does this cat look like someone’s grandpa
I used to have dreams.
Now I have Doritos.
Me: Why does my phone keep changing campus to Camus?
Phone: There is no higher purpose in life.
Me: You could at least stop misspelling words.
P: *long drag on cigarette* There is no meaning. Duck yoor speeling.
Me: Is that a beret?
P: Oui.
Sunflower seeds: For when you want to have a snack while pretending you’re a cockatiel.
Apparently if you perm a yak’s hair and spin it around a bunch of times it’s good for your libido…
…It’s a well known afro dizzy yak
Maybe Jesus went black, and that’s why he isn’t coming back.
The glockness monster
I couldn’t get the dog off the bed so I held up his ear cleaning solution, now he’s hiding somewhere and I’ve got fresh linens
Pfizer: Our vaccine is 90% effective.
Me who always gets the lemon skittle: oh no
I only eat chips because I feel that people would judge me if I ate the dip with a spoon