@wit_haze

I always wanted to be on Family Feud but there were never 5 people in my family speaking to each other at one time.

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@RACarter

GF and I went to see Dark Knight Rises our 9th date. Dates can be summarised dinner dinner dinner dinner dinner dinner dinner dinner Batman.

@storming01

In a cementary, I saw a guy crouching behind a tombstone. Morning, I said. No, he said, just taking a dump… .

@TheHyyyype

An apple a day keeps the doctor away. A banana will scare off most lawyers. Eat a pomegranate and every architect within a three-mile radius will shit himself.

@NYC_Blonde

That touchdown dance is exactly the same as mine when I wake up in a guy’s apartment and his furnished apartment has a nice view.

@AnnietheNanny1

I don’t always eat 100-calorie packs of anything, but when I do, I make sure and eat the whole box.

@aecide

Killing mosquitoes by smashing them in mid-air as they fly by is so satisfying until you accidentally hit a person in the head.

@badbanana

Immortality would suck. I don’t want to spend the next 800 years trying to explain Gangnam Style to my great-grandfather.

@dumbbeezie

I just want to know enough sign language to convince people to stop talking to me

@ExperBadMom

Me: Boom! Drops the mic!
12yo: Nobody says that anymore Mom.
Me: Oh? What do they say?
12yo: I’m not telling you.