I always wanted to be on Family Feud but there were never 5 people in my family speaking to each other at one time.
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The flintstones are proof that man lived with dinosaurs
Why did we stop at bread bowls? Make the whole kitchen out of bread, you cowards!
Only God can judge me.
*gets hit by lightning*
[break-in]
BURGLAR: [cracks safe]
COP: Not so fast, kiddo
BURGLAR: [cracks safe more slowly]
Psychiatrist “Tell me about your trust issues.”
Me “No”
me (no beers): i will never read from the human skin bound book of the dead. i will not chant it’s dark messages.
me (four beers, smiling): hell, lemme see that book of the dead, brother. what’s one rune reading among friends?
Her: Give me a chat up line?
Me: Uh ok, are you a zookeeper?
Her: *laughs* Because I’m so captivating?
Me: No, you smell like an animal.
Well if you’re here … then who’s in Loch Ness?
Annnnd that’s how the fight started.
Me: *slowly unzips footed jammies*
Him: Heyyy…you uh…wanna fool around?
Me: What? No, I just lost an M&M in my onesie
Nothing says I don’t want to be here like taking the gym elevator to the second floor.
Once in college this guy was like ‘is it ok to do laundry if you don’t have enough for a full load?’ So I showed him the ‘small’ setting on the washer and he started it up, added soap and then a single pair of socks
In conclusion, members of the board, I’m sorry I brought the wrong USB, & thank you for your feigned interest in my sesame street PowerPoint
His and her closets is code for “she gets two closets.”
When my wife asks me to do that one thing in the bedroom that she really likes, she’s talking about vacuuming.
I have no idea what settings my 1-year-old changed, but she hit random buttons on my keyboard and now I’m a licensed realtor in Pakistan.
I’d be fine with a ghost in the house if the object it moved around was the vacuum.
If you’re not supposed to abuse cough syrup then why does it come with a little plastic shot glass?
A Guy Doing Push Ups ‘One.. Two.. Three..’
*A Girl Passes by..*
Guy: “82.. 83.. 84..”
“It’s only eight o’clock” he says like that’s not late as shit.
Every time you ask a woman about pregnancy or childbirth she’ll go “Oh it wasn’t so bad, I was actually really lucky. All that happened was—“ and then tell the most terrifying story you’ve ever heard.
do beavers even know what they’re doing or do they just see water flowing down a river and think “absolutely not”
My toddler does this thing when he’s angry or frustrated where he growls. I been telling him to calm doon and stop. Two days ago buying a lemon and couldn’t open the bag to put it in so I growled loudly in the shop and now it all makes sense
My daughter just called it the “Heimlich Remover” and I’m choking with laughter.
When I awoke this morning my husband lovingly walked toward me, bent down, kissed the dog on the forehead and whispered, “I won’t be long” then left in case you want to know what a rockin’ hot marriage is like
Girlfriend – “ARE YOU SERIOUSLY DOING THE MONSTER MASH WHILE WE’RE HAVING SEX???”
Me [doing what is clearly a graveyard smash] “…no”
take me down to the paranoid city where the grass is hidden cameras and the girls are all talking about me.
i opened a savings account in 2008 with a $25 deposit. i’ve watched the money grow over the last decade, and though i’ve been tempted, i’ve left it alone. now i have $27.96, enough to retire on. take note.