Attention children:
Mom is closed.
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My online boyfriend loves me so much that once I put my money in his PayPal account he is coming to visit me.
Dad loved to say “there’s no price tag, must be free,” or, “there’s no expiration date, must be good,” now we hardly talk except when he calls from jail with food poisoning.
My medical bracelet just says “Call 911” because people are idiots
Me irl
Why do birds
Suddenly appear
Every time
You are near?
Just like me
You’re secretly
Made of bread
A good rule is to check the recall list before opening a bag of romaine lettuce. Check it again after making the salad. Check once more tableside.
(me hosting a paranormal show): you look like you’ve seen a ghost!
Director: for the tenth time please stop saying that
Explained occurrences: redditor runs into daylight savings time
two guys fighting over oars are just having a row it took me 3 hours to write this crap send tweet
[the first couples argument]
Adam: It’s Christmas Eve.
Eve: No, you idiot. Christmas is tomorrow.
GUY VISITING FROM THE SUN: This weather isn’t hot
I may not know much about a lot of things, but this fact I’m sure of:
A smoke detector battery will never go dead during the day.
the 2yr old is walking around going, “sus, sus,” and I wondered what I was doing to have him question my motives.
turns out he just wanted apple sauce
ME: why is my son failing
TEACHER: just because u gave him that name doesnt mean he’ll be intelligent
ME: [gasping] cover ur ears Smartboy
INTERVIEWER: What would you say is your greatest weakness?
ME: Well, for starters, I’m unemployed.
I’m implementing a new policy in my house: any child who is awake past bedtime can either go to sleep or clean the oven, no exceptions
20’s: AT DAWN WE RIDE !
40’s: AT NINE WE SLEEP !
I always end up at the store behind people who’ve never been to a store.
Spring allergies- because my body likes to panic about plant sex
word gets around the prison that i’ve been digging a tunnel. one night they follow me down and find me in my ball pit. they don’t seem to understand freedom
I feel both proud and ashamed when I see an eating challenge that looks like my average meal.
The families in Eggo commercials live in nice houses and appear wealthy. Why are they always fighting over one shitty frozen waffle?
STOP RUNNING IN THE HOUSE!
I said STOP RUNNING!
STOP RUNN..
YOU BETTER RUN YOU LITTLE SHIT!
Him: The last couple of years have been tough.
Me: Tell me about it!
Him: Well, two years ago I…
Me: Don’t really, though.
I hate when people talk to me while I’m using the restroom, the other day, this guy was all like “Sir this is a display model at Home Depot”
model UN: we follow parliamentary procedure, you can’t just call “dibs”
me:
model UN: also you can only be countries that exist
me: the nation of flavortown declares war on the UN
Teens, you should not being getting drunk. You’re annoying enough as it is
Hate when you’re walking behind someone & want to pass them & then they start the “drift” & you both crash into a shelf of glass figurines.
I met my wife through a mutual friend. Despite being together for 18 years, married for 14, in my head sometimes I still refer to her as “Alan’s friend”.
Deleted duck from my autocorrect so it no longer keeps ducking changing my favourite ducking swear word.