@hashtag_stacks

I always watch The Shining with family around Christmas time to remind them what happens if we spend too much time together.

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@NYC_Blonde

Dr: We need you to come back for additional blood work…
Me: Why, is something wrong?!
Dr: Yes. Your blood sample was mostly champagne…

@Shot_Of_Cabo

I don’t understand people who say they’re getting ready for bed.

I mean I’m ready for bed as soon as I get up in the morning.

@DeadLioness

Oh thank goodness, my Uber driver knows what’s really wrong with this country.

@UncleDuke1969

Her: Are you a dog person or a cat person?
Me: …
H: …
M: …
H: Why are you hesitating?
M: I’m not sure which answer will get me laid.

@stewteee

Her: Penny for your thoughts?

Me: Oh. I was just wondering if pears ever became sentient, do you think they’d have body image issues?

Her:

Me:

Her: Can I have my money back please?!

@Coastiefish

I don’t know the lyrics to any of Pitbull’s songs, but in my defense, I’m not really convinced he does either.

@gogocosmonaut

Jesus said that he’d get rid of evil people, whereas Norse gods said they’d get rid of frost giants. nnI don’t see many frost giants around.

@electrolemon

To some, it’s known as “soda.” Some call it “pop.” Some even order it as “coke” or “cola.” The spicy bubble brown juice goes by many names

@Phook75

“You’ll be visited by 3 ghosts.”

“Will they show me the true spirit of Christmas?”

“No, they’ll try to eat you.”

Pac-Man Christmas Carol

@vapidaccount

Thanks autocorrect…clearly “I am fantasy” is a better answer than “fantastic” when asked how I’m doing…