I always watch The Shining with family around Christmas time to remind them what happens if we spend too much time together.
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*moon landing*
That’s one small step for man, one giant leap for updog
“What’s updog?”
NOT MUCH JUST WALKING ON THE MOON WHAT’S UP WITH YOU
i casually mentioned to my wife how ive started smiling with my eyes at work to signal no-threat and increase a sense of camaraderie and she’s like “what what do you mean smile with your eyes” and i showed her and she told me to never make that face again
ME (watching a sea of a million llamas stampede over the horizon): dear God, it’s the alpacalypse
In our house, we have mandatory family time where the four of us can only text each other.
I just went to church and had communion. Ok it was a gas station and I had 2 donuts but I did say a prayer before scratching my lotto ticket
watching the football game but shaking my head the whole time so everybody knows i disagree with it
can someone please show me the sexy way to get in and out of a booth at a restaurant
Octopus – 8 arms
“Yes”
Octagon – 8 sides
“Yes”
Octuplets – 8 babies
“Yes”
October – 8th month
“No”
I’m burning this world down
Me: ooooohhhh look at all the colorful new spring clothes!
Also me: *buys another black t-shirt*
*gently pushes Spider-Man out the door with a magazine*
PARK RANGER: to be a guide you need to be able to name all the animals
ME: no problem
[later w/ a group]
ME: that’s Greg, & that’s Linda…
Alright, Mr. “In good times and in bad” I just painted my finger nails and I gotta pee. Let’s go.
Judge: “How do you plead?”
Me: [looks at lawyer]
Lawyer: [mouths “not guilty”]
Me: “Hot milky”
I can’t run from my demons. The law clearly states I have to keep them until they’re 18.
Websites really should skip the log in screen and just go straight to the reset password screen.
[alien parasite invasion]
ME: Welcome to earth, I’ll be your host
Every so often, I try to fornicate a large word into conversation, even if I’m not sure what it means.
What psycho decided it was a good idea for kids to hunt for chocolate easter eggs right when the spring thaw reveals all the dog poop?
my back wasn’t made for hard labor*
*getting out of bed.
Haha! 😂
Me: Do you have any books on paranoia?
Librarian : They’re right behind you.
Not sure who needs to hear this, but a group of porcupines is called a prickle.
Me: (sees turtle) goddamnit I envy your affordable housing.
I Saw someone say Florida upside down look like the grinch and after i flipped my Phone i’m mad i can’t unsee it😭😭😭
I’VE SEEN SOME SHIT MAN
[terrible nursing home]
Old guy: How did you end up here?
Elderly me: I made my kids steak instead of hot dogs.
Him: *gasps* You monster.
My friend went to a salon and asked them to straighten his hair. So they took out his highlights.
[visiting southern France]
Me: This is Nice
Wife: It’s pronounced Nice
Me: I said Nice
Wife: No, you said Nice
Me: Nice
Wife: Nice
*69 minutes later*
Me: Niiiiiiice
“Son, do you know why we named you Easter Bunny?”
*sigh*
“Because you don’t b-”
“BECAUSE WE DON’T BELIEVE IN YOU”
If kidnappers shoved me in a car and put a bag over my head I’d try to lighten the mood by being like It’s getting darker so much earlier these days