Dr: We need you to come back for additional blood work…
Me: Why, is something wrong?!
Dr: Yes. Your blood sample was mostly champagne…
I always watch The Shining with family around Christmas time to remind them what happens if we spend too much time together.
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I don’t understand people who say they’re getting ready for bed.
I mean I’m ready for bed as soon as I get up in the morning.
Oh thank goodness, my Uber driver knows what’s really wrong with this country.
Her: Are you a dog person or a cat person?
H: Why are you hesitating?
M: I’m not sure which answer will get me laid.
Her: Penny for your thoughts?
Me: Oh. I was just wondering if pears ever became sentient, do you think they’d have body image issues?
Her: Can I have my money back please?!
I don’t know the lyrics to any of Pitbull’s songs, but in my defense, I’m not really convinced he does either.
Jesus said that he’d get rid of evil people, whereas Norse gods said they’d get rid of frost giants. nnI don’t see many frost giants around.
To some, it’s known as “soda.” Some call it “pop.” Some even order it as “coke” or “cola.” The spicy bubble brown juice goes by many names
“You’ll be visited by 3 ghosts.”
“Will they show me the true spirit of Christmas?”
“No, they’ll try to eat you.”
Pac-Man Christmas Carol
Thanks autocorrect…clearly “I am fantasy” is a better answer than “fantastic” when asked how I’m doing…