I always wear a wet suit and goggles to the pub so I don’t look like an idiot when I wake up on the beach in the morning.

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new dad Todd: lol check out what I did with my baby

friend: lmao dude did you actually put him in a treetop

Todd: lmao the wind rocks him so I don’t have to

friend: yo what if the bough breaks or some shit hahaha

Todd (suddenly serious): bro why would you even say that


Text: CMAO

Me: I think you mean LMAO, for “Laughing my ass off.”

That guy in 127 Hours who got his arm trapped under a boulder: No.


my grandpa: this pizza has no toppings

me: close the box, turn it over, and open it again

my grandpa: well i’ll be damned


That awkward moment when you make eye contact with a cute guy in the mall food court as you’re slurping up a 2-foot long noodle.



I like to make sure my breath is always fresh.

*eats entire sleeve of Thin Mints*


It’s 2014 and somehow we still don’t have a car mirror that can make objects appear exactly as far away as they are.


Guess what!

Some blacks don’t like whites, some whites don’t like blacks!

And nobody likes Mexicans!

Big deal! Who cares!


Million dollar idea: Nutella, but super healthy.