I always wear a wet suit and goggles to the pub so I don’t look like an idiot when I wake up on the beach in the morning.
You Might Also Like
If you date someone working for the federal government and then break up, does he become FedEx? #oksorry
If you all vote for Kanye, I’m packing up Canada and moving it to Australia.
Me: *tries to sneak a pic of someone but forgets flash is on
Did you just take my picture?
Me: *starts to make thunder noises
My 8 yo daughter’s idea of cleaning is sitting in front of the fridge and eating all the food.
A bad analogy is like a cucumber
Last night I couldn’t sleep at all, just lying wide awake
“Oh, insomnia?”
No, in bed you idiot. Where the hell is Somnia?
I once accidentally joined a cult because I zoned out mid-conversation and just kept saying “yeah, of course” every few minutes.
Just played that Facebook game where an app tells you what state you’re best suited to be in and I was disappointed it didn’t say unconscious.
If I were the dinosaurs I would simply use my enormous tail to bonk the asteroid back into space
[looking at my pill caddy]
My wife: Are these… M&M’s?
Me: I take the peanut butter ones right before bed
Irritating friend: I passed your house yesterday.
Me: Thanks. I really appreciate that.
Remember, parents: your children look to you for guidance. Kids are dumb like that.
8 ways to manage anger:
– scream into tapestry
– incoherent accusations
– threaten France
– try to shoot lightening from finger tips
– wine
– hurl Spaniards into the Thames
– cake for you and no one else
– new wife
A new study says eating sugar will kill you and was conducted by the No Shit Sherlock Research Institute.
*On date*
Her: hey, how are you?
Me: yeah really g..
BRAIN: *interrupting* TELL HER THAT RAP ABOUT ANTS YOU MADE UP ON THE WAY HERE.
First week of my diet I gained 3 pounds. However, I found out if I stand further away from the mirror I look thinner.
🎶I Heard Mommy Screaming at Santa Claus🎶
– assembling my bike… I was about 6
Anyone can pull a dr. doolittle like how do you know I’m lying, are you going to ask the animal you don’t think i can talk to, sir?
My fella asked me to name all my sexual partners. I took a couple of minutes to list them and eventually got to him. Should of stopped there
Me: Everyone should adopt a dog.
Him: Some people don’t like dogs.
M: Who?
H: I don’t know. Some people.
M: Who?! I want names and numbers!
Him: I hate that you ask so many questions.
Me: why? What do you mean?
Early this morning a bird was chirping loudly at the same time that my husband was snoring and it was really sort of beautiful how they were pissing me off in harmony.
god: [creating sharks] make them apex predators of the ocean
angel: sounds fearsome
god: ya but if you punch them in the face they just immediately leave
My favorite yoga pose is downward facing in a bowl of mashed potatoes
Son: Do you know what Sin City is?
Me: Las Vegas.
S: Okay do you know what Den City is?
M: I have no clue.
S: Mass over volume.-I almost said Denver 🤦♀️
Giving blood today. Not my own, of course. That would be creepy.
Before meeting a hot chick, wish I could talk to the dude who’s sick of her bullshit.
Ate a bowl of Captain Crunch Berries this morning. With blatant disregard for the roof of my mouth.
-thug life
Me: Sorry I called out the wrong name just now
Woman: Okay but still, what the hell
Bloody Mary: Oh gross, am I in a ceiling mirror