@KPsych29

I always wear black. That way I’m ready, at any given moment, for an impromptu night out or your funeral, whatever.

You Might Also Like

@schumoo

My obituary will say “He always found himself being lured into uncomfortable social situations by the promise of food”.

@sonictyrant

HER: Did you have the birds and the bees talk with the kids ?

ME: *Joyously* yes, they think we should get a sex swing

@Chhapiness

The one thing I wish my parents told me after I moved out was the address to their new home

@TheThomason

Kid, if you don’t know whether your Batman costume is pre or post reboot continuity, you don’t deserve candy. Also, Batman doesn’t cry.

@pleatedjeans

OMINOUS CHANTING
*pentagram starts to glow*
YES! RISE DARK LORD! RISE!
*Satan tosses pillow through portal*
UNGH 5 MORE MINUTES!!!

@SteveKoehler22

Oddly enough, ever since downloading
AdBlock onto my computer …..

all the local girls in my area
seem to have lost interest.

@FredTaming

wife: the turn was back there

me: i know that, k- omg, i almost called you karen. i’ve been on twitter too much

wife: my name is karen

me: ughh this is different, karen

@capnwatsisname

Me: ooh baby do you know what that’s worth

Congregation: oooh heaven is a place on earth

Bishop: no

@HenpeckedHal

Coroner’s Report: “Victim noted a subtle mannerism shared by his wife and mother-in-law.”