My obituary will say “He always found himself being lured into uncomfortable social situations by the promise of food”.
I always wear black. That way I’m ready, at any given moment, for an impromptu night out or your funeral, whatever.
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HER: Did you have the birds and the bees talk with the kids ?
ME: *Joyously* yes, they think we should get a sex swing
The one thing I wish my parents told me after I moved out was the address to their new home
Kid, if you don’t know whether your Batman costume is pre or post reboot continuity, you don’t deserve candy. Also, Batman doesn’t cry.
*pentagram starts to glow*
YES! RISE DARK LORD! RISE!
*Satan tosses pillow through portal*
UNGH 5 MORE MINUTES!!!
Oddly enough, ever since downloading
AdBlock onto my computer …..
all the local girls in my area
seem to have lost interest.
wife: the turn was back there
me: i know that, k- omg, i almost called you karen. i’ve been on twitter too much
wife: my name is karen
me: ughh this is different, karen
Hi. Yes I’d like one new body please.
Me: ooh baby do you know what that’s worth
Congregation: oooh heaven is a place on earth
Coroner’s Report: “Victim noted a subtle mannerism shared by his wife and mother-in-law.”