All I’m saying is if you don’t want me to walk into the women’s restroom put words not pictures on the doors…
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there should be more car holidays besides christmas like “hoppy honda days” or “a leggxus to remember” for easter or even “creepy jeepy month” for halloween. i mean cmon do i have to do all the work around here?
Me: Read this tweet.
Wife: Sure.
Me: Is it racist?
Wife: No.
Me: Sexist?
Wife: No.
Me: Is it offensive at all?
Wife: No.
Me: *deletes tweet*
Sometimes I open my dog’s giant food bag with a knife so she is impressed with my kibble hunting skills.
Her: I thought you said you were ordering spicy food.
Me, choking on 14 churros: CINNAMON’S A SPICE
Last night my kids suggested I kill and eat someone to gain his strengths. I think I should start locking the door when I sleep.
if I ever lose an eye, I’ll want plastic surgery to move the remaining one to the middle
I watched Mad Max and now I’m riding my dog around my living room using two bananas as guns
6: I want to grow my hair longer.
Me: Oka—
6: So I can bite it.
Me:
RIP boiling water. You will be mist.
18-22 is a confusing age. I got friends getting married, some in prison, and some still have to ask their parents to stay out past curfew.
These boots were made for walking, and that’s just what they’ll do. One of these day–oh goddamn it. Did you glue these to the floor, Carl?!
HUSBAND: I can’t believe you’re in your 40s. You look so young.
ME: Nice try. You’re not getting the last piece of pizza.
Hey I worked for it too!
Just enjoy your meal and DO NOT think about where that turkey baster has been.
[First date]
Him: “I’m Mark. I’m a librarian.”
Me: “So, you’re a book Mark?”
Cop: Have you been drinking or are you on any drugs?
Me: Whoa, one question at a time, dude.
[being murdered]
Me: did you get that knife out of the dishwasher
Murderer: …yes
Me: and you didnt empty it
Murderer:
[murder roles reverse]
ME AS A MARRIAGE COUNSELOR:
I signed you both up for Tinder*1 week later
ME: You still want a divorce?
THEM: OMG NO THAT WAS HORRIFYING
Our 10 year old keeps asking me for his first mobile phone and every time he does I ask him ‘who you gonna call?’ and until he answers me correctly he sure as shit isn’t getting one
ME: Ok, that’s everything in the dishwasher
*closes dishwasher door*
*turns it on*
*turns around*TEASPOON: You’re not gonna believe this
teenager doing court order community service picking up trash in a ditch: *pokes my body with a stick*
me: *wakes up* oh hey jake is it Tuesday again already?
*Salem 1692*
Witch: I’m not a witch!
Judge: Look, if we’re being honest, you’re on trial for being a woman. Don’t make this weird
A friend of ours directed a horror movie that’s doing very well, but when he tried to get certain actors to be in it, they refused.
Now he’s sending them emails with the box office receipts and streaming numbers, with the message “Remember when you wouldn’t be in my movie?” 🎃
Name dog. Call dog every derivative of that name but the actual name.
Got fired from Target for testing out the Nerf guns on their logo.
They should use real bears in the Charmin commercials
*blowing up your phone at 3am*
I get it now. Skeletor is the hot one. Not He-Man.
Amazon should have “I was drunk” as an order cancellation option
[at the bank] hi I would like to deposit these tacos. oh and *drops a fistful of hot sauce packets on the counter* these too, thanks
[ first day as surgeon ]
me: and now we let the anesthesia set in
patient: do i get some too