I always wear running shoes while driving because you won’t know what the terrain will be like until after the cop pulls you over.
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Just ONCE, I’d like took deep into your beautiful eyes, and make hot sweet love with you without some pop-up window ruining the mood.
Me, as an undergrad, just starting upper level courses: THERE IS A PROFOUNDLY BEAUTIFUL REASON FOR ALL LAWS OF PHYSICS
Me, as a perpetual graduate student: Light goes that fast because it wants to
First rule of camping: bring the kind of toilet paper that won’t attract animated bears.
My husband and I decided we don’t want to have children.
We will be telling them tonight.
Welcome to parenting: You didn’t eat any, but you have syrup on you now.
Based on how I startle when toast pops up, I will never look cool walking away from an explosion.
Apparently trying to bribe a zookeeper to set up an animal Thunderdome situation will get you kicked out of the zoo.
The part I hate about this new cereal is unwrapping all the foil eggs.
Nothing says “I’ve been going through your shit” like “why do you delete your browser history?”
“it’s the thought that counts” doesn’t include showering. You have to actually do that.
MY TOP 3 PROBLEMS WITH DUCKS
1. Vulnerable to attack by foxes b/c they’re too lazy to learn karate
2. Out of millions of ducks, only one (Scrooge McDuck) has conquered the business world. PATHETIC SUCCESS RATE
3. Too many handouts. GET A JOB AND BUY YOUR OWN BREAD YOU LAZY DUCKS
Are you Chinese? Well, how about you?”
– Chinese Checkers
bully: gimme ur sandwich
me [pulls knife]
bully: hey man I don’t want any-
me: -crusts. i know
My wife was shocked when she found out I was a bad electrician.
My parents couldn’t understand how my wife could divorce me.
Until I moved back in with them.
Tired: Turner & Hooch
Wired:
me alone with my thoughts vs me alone with my thoughts five minutes later
Me: kid, you have no chill
5: I do, I just don’t use it
Serious talk at the office of replacing me with one of those fainting goats.
Remember the good old days when everyone was going to hell in handbaskets instead of in flaming runaway mine carts?
*watching videos of people cooking in public bathrooms*
The CDC should absolutely have a prison
The best part of the Titanic is when Rose is holding onto Jack and she’s all like, ‘I’ll never let go’ and then she lets go.
During dinner 10 asked 5 to imagine a world without ketchup. She hasn’t spoken in 3 hours I think he broke her
There are no atheists in the passenger seat when I drive.
changed clouds to coulds and now the sky is full of possibilities
Palm trees are beautiful but you wouldn’t want one on your team in a rap battle, they’re absolutely useless at throwing shade.
After living in terror for 27 years, Gloria Estefan’s threat is realized; I open my car door, and am brutally attacked by the rhythm.
Oh we’re halfway there
Oh oh running from a bear
I pushed you down
Accidentally I swear
Oh oh eaten by a bear
You were eaten by a bear
If you watch The Matrix backwards, a young man slowly comes down from a wild acid trip before returning to his low-level tech job.
If you get a tattoo with words, and there is a misspelling, just get a red squiggly line added underneath it and everything’s cool