i always wear this epi pen its rly special. my friend gave it to me literally as he was dying it seemed very important to him that i have it
You Might Also Like
older coworker: i made a cake to celebrate the 25th anniversary of my divorce!
younger coworker: wow, you’ve been divorced longer than i’ve been alive
everyone:
everyone:
everyone:
older coworker: you don’t get any cake
Peacock: *spreads feathers at me*
Husband: It’s trying to attract you as a mate
Me: *shyly lifts top*
Husband: no
Autocorrect says I am currently: all out of ducks to give, most of you are full of shot, twitter is overrun by aunts and life is a birch
Me: wanna play would you rather?
Her: sure
Me: ok would you rather have a cat or a giraffe named Genevieve who can help out around the house
[gutter rattles in the backyard]
Her: *narrows eyes*
My son, frantically calling and texting, as if life depended upon it.
He’s brokered world peace?
Severed a limb?
Celebrating an international business deal?
No.
How does one make tacos.
TACOS.
I’m never asking anyone out on a date again
Eat healthy, but remember that greasy foods protectively coat your heart so it pops out of the fist of those who attempt to crush it.
Christmas needs to slow tf down I only got 8 dollars
Them: ‘Everyone you meet is fighting a battle you know nothing about.’
Twitter: actually, we know a little bit about it.
I’ve written a musical called Fish.
It’s very similar to Cats… although Memory’s a lot shorter.
“Theirye’re” problem solved
an impostor shall come to you
he shall speak pleasing words and promise you the world
but in his name you shall know him a fraud
Found out recently that right-clicking on the send ‘arrow’ in Teams chat lets you schedule the message to be sent at a later time of your choosing. And yes I’m heavily abusing this feature.
interviewer: describe yourself
me: you know the urge to awkwardly hobble-run across the road when someone lets you cross? i am basically that energy manifested into an entire person
interviewer: ok
Rebranding demon possession as a cure for loneliness.
THEM: What’s it called when you think about them all the time?
ME: Love.
T: What if it’s about murdering them all the time?
M: Also love.
I’ll die fat, drunk & happy while you live healthy until you get run over by a bus… See ya at the cemetery!
[arguing w girlfriend]
Her: I feel like we have communication problems.
Me: srsly? wow I text u like every day.
Friend: If someone broke into my house, my dog would rip them to shreds.
Me: If someone broke into mine, my dog would make a cheese plate and open a nice bottle of wine.
Officer: Cause of death?
Me: Well it all started innocently..
Dad: “So what are you going to do after you graduate?”
Me: “well, mom said we’ll probably go out somewhere to eat”
Luke is so old now he just uses the Force to keep the neighborhood kids off his lawn
Too bad they cancelled the Chicago Marathon I was going to run it this year
Kids these days think Christmas is all about getting presents instead of celebrating the birth of Santa Claus.
If you get engaged and you and your partner both owns dogs do the dogs become brother and sister or are they married too?
When taking your dog to the vet it’s very important to remember to put your dog in the car.
ME: genie, i wish i was dead
GENIE: [makes me dead then brings me back to life] ok u have two wishes left
ME: i dont think u understood
Sorry, your invitation got lost in the trash.
Just ate a Pop-Tart off of a real plate like some kind of goddamn oil magnate
my dad once complained about “coming home from a long day at work and having to eat on a paper plate” so my mom served him dinner in a solo cup the next day and we all ate like we didn’t notice