i always wear this epi pen its rly special. my friend gave it to me literally as he was dying it seemed very important to him that i have it
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If approached by a bear, you can play dead, or you can acknowledge the bear, say hello, and see what it needs. Have some decency
*burglar breaks in*
*i reach into my nightstand drawer, get my phone, & take his picture*
Burglar: No I have a double chin!
Me: I’ll post it
The temperature went from 90 to 55 like it saw a state trooper
first date idea: unlock and switch phones with the other person for exactly 2 minutes and if no one is horrified then the date continues
me: *hiding from kidnapper*
kidnapper: *sneezes*
me: BLESS YOU!
If I was speaking a foreign language on Game of Thrones, I’d throw a couple of “yabba dabba do’s” in there to see if anyone notices.
I bet cats are sad that they don’t have a middle finger.
[first date]
HER: So, tell me about yourself.
ME: *staring at my phone* Well for starters, I like to mind my own goddamn business.
when people say they’re into genealogy I pretend to be interested, but deep down I know magic lamps aren’t real
During my prostate exam I asked the doctor, “where should I put my pants”? “Over there by mine”, was not the answer I was expecting.
*Holding a banana like a phone* (texting)
Thanks for wishing me a Happy Monday, you’ve changed my entire outlook. I don’t hate Monday anymore. I hate you. Happy New Sworn Enemy.
@funTweeters
Me “What are you doing to your tooth?!”
5 “Trying to pull it out.”
Me “That’s going to hurt.”
5 “I don’t care. I need the money.”
WFH: Work From Home
my brain: WaFfle House
When people introduce a statement with “Not gonna lie,” it fills me with confidence in their honor and commitment to veracity.
My sister has positioned herself as the lazy sibling and honestly I stan, no one expects anything from her. Is it too late for me to rebrand?
Spent the entire day milking a single almond.
No way!
I only attract psychopaths. If you’ve ever had a crush on me, find a therapist.
Man’s guide for a selfie:
1) Squint your eyes like your cool
2) Look off into the distance
3) Put your phone down
4) Don’t take the selfie
😂😂😂😂😆😆😆🤗🤗😂😂
if you ask someone what their favorite fruit is and they say “apricot”, get the hell out of there. it’s an alien that just picked one of the first ones they saw off the alphabetical list. nobody loves apricots
I’m trying to eliminate negativity from my life so Monday’s will now be Taco Tuesday eve until further notice
People say “5 second rule” like that’s a thing. I just ate a piece of Thanksgiving candy off the floor.
Thinking about the time a professor commented ‘please justify in the final version’ on my draft and I spent around a 1000 words justifying what I wrote but turns out all she wanted was for me to justify the text alignment 😭
Actually you’re having a conversation with yourself. I’m just here so you don’t appear totally insane.
Imagine being 5 minutes from the end of the longest movie ever & it starts over because it forgot something. That’s my kid telling a story.
I hate grocery shopping. That’s why I just steal a full cart when somebody turns away. I never know what I’m getting, but it sure is faster.
Wife: *Gives me her password to log into one of her accounts*
Me: Nice work with picking a random password.
Wife: It’s our anniversary.