I always wink at the local Funeral Director, because he will be the last one to see me naked, and I don’t want it to be awkward.
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I just listened to an great session on “Designers and Gyaan” hosted by @dharmeshba. It provokes a lot of good questions. I can’t help but contrast this with academia. In academia, I get the teaching/speaking opportunities based on how well I “publish.” Many professionals, 1/n
A guy in New York had a CVS receipt
stuck to his shoe.Luckily, a lady in Chicago saw it and
was kind enough to pull it off for him.
Can you die from sitting on the floor to play with your kid, because I just tried to get up and it feels like you can die from it.
[emptying dishwasher]
HOW IN THE HELL DO I FIT ALL THESE COFFEE CUPS IN THE CABINET
*opens Advil*
*takes Advil*
*closes Advil*
*looks at husband*
“Sorry, where are my manners? You want some?”
All these years, i thought Ricky Martin was singing, chicken bonbon, chicken bonbon
Husband: I’m stopping for a burger. Do you want anything?
Me: No, I’m good.
Husband: Are you sure?
Me: Ok, just a small order of fries…
and if you can a coke…
and a cheeseburger…
Can you also swing by Taco Bell?
No wonder chickens can’t fly
STOP EATING THEIR WINGS
Whiskey, tango, french fry…?
Yeah, I think that’s right.
What’s the fetish called when you can only get off if Gordon Ramsey is yelling at you that your risotto is garbage?
What I was warned about as a kid:
*Strangers in vans
*Gum taking seven years to digest
*QuicksandWhat I wasn’t warned about as a kid:
*Arguing with a computer that I’m not a robot
*Being sad when my favorite spatula breaks
*Meeting a “pickleball influencer”
The part in Forrest Gump where the rich guy decides to quit running and leave his followers out in the desert reminds me a lot of politics
My ex-wife told me to go to hell. She’s fuckin crazy if she thinks I marry her again!
Bloody internet 😳
‘Chicks dig scars’ I quietly sob after nicking my thumb on a cat food lid
realizing i have to deal with the consequences of my actions
It’s important when dieting to reward yourself and take a break. Then, when you return to your diet a decade later you’re all set to go
one of the funniest things tv and movies do in flashbacks is give the child version of an adult character the same haircut that the adult character currently has
In England, all swans legally belong to the queen.
Geez, I always pictured her as a cat lady.
Me: “Dude, I brought another dress for you to clean.”
Dry cleaner: *takes off headphone* “Sorry, come again?”
Me: “No, mustard.”
(first week into weight watchers)
You think I can get an advance on next week’s calories?
“…and use only your finest microwaves.”
– me, trying to impress my date at Applebee’s
HIM: *touching a scar on her hand* What’s this one?
HER: *giggling* I burnt myself getting pizza rolls out of the oven
HIM: *touching a scar on her arm* And this one?
HER: pizza rolls
HIM: What about—
HER: I dunno what to tell you, bud. They’re all gonna be pizza rolls.
Self rising flour is just like regular flour except one time when it was dead for 3 days
I have a Russian friend who’s a sound technician.
And a Czech one too.
[at Subway]
Them: What kind of cheese?
Me: Surprise me.[at home]
Netflix: 🔀 Surprise Me?
Me: Not Today Satan.
There was no Internet when I was a kid. If you wanted to talk to a pervert, you had to go find one.
Whoa there, pregnancy test. You just tell us yes or no and we’ll decide if it’s positive or negative.
My horny ass could NOT have a banana cleaner 😭
My computer just gave me an “Error 404” message, which can’t be right because I know I’ve made way more errors than that.