How to create a weight-loss program: (1) Take a before picture. (2) Eat like a pig. (3) Take an after picture. (4) Switch the pictures.
I always wonder how Men managed to find entire continents.
Mine can’t even find the butter in the fridge.
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Apparently, 4 people die every year trying to put their pants on…
– me, explaining to my (ex)boss why I went in with no pants
[at my funeral]
ventriloquist: please don’t judge me, he paid me a lot of money to do this
me: hi everybody!
Brunos are from mars, freddies are from mercury
Husband:What do you want for Mother’s Day?
Me:I don’t want to have to tell you what I want
Husband:(goes to the store and never comes back)
this is the funniest shit i’ve seen all week
Damn boy, are you wearing an anti-gravity suit?
‘Cause I’m not the least bit attracted to you.
I hate getting cut off because I’ve “had enough.” Who are they to say how much butter I need on my movie theater popcorn?
Me: Boss our sales are really going updog.
Boss: You mean up?
Me: No, updog.
Boss: What’s updog?
Me: Not our sales. We’re bankrupt.
My Grandma would be pissed if she found out how many times she’s died so I could get out of having to go somewhere.