@heroinsdemise

I always wonder how Men managed to find entire continents.
Mine can’t even find the butter in the fridge.

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@GroovyTasia

A few years back a guy in law school asked me how much for a foot massage and being the idiot I am, thought he was asking how much I paid for reflexology so I said “I pay $50 plus a tip but my guy is booked for the next 3 months” and he didn’t talk to me again until 2L year

@thesulk

“You want to have your cake and eat it, too.” “Yeah. It’s MY cake.”

@TheBoydP

Get ahead at the office by taking work home with you over the weekend. No need to work on it just make sure people see you take it home…

@TheAlexNevil

Little known trivia:

If you go to Ikea without your significant other, the store will provide you someone to fight with, free of charge.

@mack44_d

Heart: Go get her.
Mind: It’s so risky.
Body: I love this couch.

@TweetPotato314

Wife: what are you doing

Me: teaching the dog poker

Wife: where are your pants

Me: *shuffling cards* lost em two hands ago

@sixfootcandy

Me: *practicing selfie poses in the gym mirror*
Trainer: Ma’am, are you having a stroke?

@BadMikeyBad

If you ask me to give you a ride anywhere on less than 2 hours notice, you’re gonna be sitting in a pile of empty soda bottles and chip bags.

@megancarnahan16

My favorite college memory was accidentally skipping class on the first Monday of deer season freshman year because I legitimately thought that was a national holiday that meant no school and didn’t realize I just went to a yeehaw high school

@tinatbh

All my friends look like a Victoria’s Secret model and I look like a Victoria sponge cake