I always wonder how Men managed to find entire continents.
Mine can’t even find the butter in the fridge.

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A few years back a guy in law school asked me how much for a foot massage and being the idiot I am, thought he was asking how much I paid for reflexology so I said “I pay $50 plus a tip but my guy is booked for the next 3 months” and he didn’t talk to me again until 2L year


“You want to have your cake and eat it, too.” “Yeah. It’s MY cake.”


Get ahead at the office by taking work home with you over the weekend. No need to work on it just make sure people see you take it home…


Little known trivia:

If you go to Ikea without your significant other, the store will provide you someone to fight with, free of charge.


Heart: Go get her.
Mind: It’s so risky.
Body: I love this couch.


Wife: what are you doing

Me: teaching the dog poker

Wife: where are your pants

Me: *shuffling cards* lost em two hands ago


Me: *practicing selfie poses in the gym mirror*
Trainer: Ma’am, are you having a stroke?


If you ask me to give you a ride anywhere on less than 2 hours notice, you’re gonna be sitting in a pile of empty soda bottles and chip bags.


My favorite college memory was accidentally skipping class on the first Monday of deer season freshman year because I legitimately thought that was a national holiday that meant no school and didn’t realize I just went to a yeehaw high school


All my friends look like a Victoria’s Secret model and I look like a Victoria sponge cake