I always wonder what the nurses reaction was like after I leave a half eaten sandwich in a coma patients hand.

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Crayons are a lot like M&M’s. All of the colors taste the same.


Someone stole my car from the Target parking lot, but fortunately they returned it at 11:00 pm when it was the only car left in the lot.


BEE 1: You get 1 chance to sting someone, so make sure they’re a threat.

BEE 2: Well that guy’s over there walking.

BEE 1: He’s doing WHAT


what idiot named it jurassic world instead of parks and rex


Took a DNA test, turns out I’m 100% that one Asian who can’t use chopsticks.


MAGICIAN: i will now make my assistant disappear
ASSISTANT: *covers eyes with hands*
AUDIENCE FULL OF BABIES: *gasp with wonder and delight*


[Family Dinner]
Me: Grandma, please pass the updog.
Sister: *Pinches bridge of her nose*
Grandma: What’s updog?
Me: Not much, how about you?


Cop: “Any idea why I pulled you over?”

Me: “you’ve got a fat guy fetish?”

Cop: …


Reply to this tweet by closing your eyes and typing Benedict Cumberbatch


Two sales people approached me at the furniture store. I’m following the one who called me Miss. The Hello Ma’am one should take note.