@DurtMcHurtt

I always wonder what the nurses reaction was like after I leave a half eaten sandwich in a coma patients hand.

You Might Also Like

@AhmadMhdAli

Crayons are a lot like M&M’s. All of the colors taste the same.

@AGreaterMonster

Someone stole my car from the Target parking lot, but fortunately they returned it at 11:00 pm when it was the only car left in the lot.

@P_o_n_k

BEE 1: You get 1 chance to sting someone, so make sure they’re a threat.

BEE 2: Well that guy’s over there walking.

BEE 1: He’s doing WHAT

@inthefade

what idiot named it jurassic world instead of parks and rex

@Love_bug1016

Took a DNA test, turns out I’m 100% that one Asian who can’t use chopsticks.

@fro_vo

MAGICIAN: i will now make my assistant disappear
ASSISTANT: *covers eyes with hands*
AUDIENCE FULL OF BABIES: *gasp with wonder and delight*

@inojperez

[Family Dinner]
Me: Grandma, please pass the updog.
Sister: *Pinches bridge of her nose*
Grandma: What’s updog?
Me: Not much, how about you?

@Mike__Lee

Cop: “Any idea why I pulled you over?”

Me: “you’ve got a fat guy fetish?”

Cop: …

@TheRealIJM

Reply to this tweet by closing your eyes and typing Benedict Cumberbatch

@AnniemuMary

Two sales people approached me at the furniture store. I’m following the one who called me Miss. The Hello Ma’am one should take note.