I always write “boing” in the memo section of my checks, so all parties involved know how this is gonna go.

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“Tom Brady did nothing wrong” is Boston’s “The Confederate Flag isn’t really about slavery.”


[Job interview]

Executive: One of the skills you listed is “diplomatic lying”…?

Me: Yes, for example I will say, “I am a block away,” when it’s more like five or, “I need two minutes,” when I mean at least thirty.

Executive: You’re hired.

Me: I’ll start in a week.


Life Coach: there are 2 wolves inside of you. The one that-

Me: are they ghosts? Spirit wolves? Do I have wolf powers or-

Life Coach: *slowly returning business card to wallet*


All girls love surprises. I didn’t know putting a snake in her handbag was wrong. We can’t understand women.


My 1 year-old got mad with one of his toys today and threw it. I asked him what happened and he insisted it fell.

One day, he’s going to make an excellent mobster.


I was able to secretly eat an entire candy bar with my toddler in the same room so the CIA should be hiring me any minute now.


They probably could have called lightbulbs, just “bulbs”. Most people would still get it.


*First day as a spy
Boss: Did you bug the Russian Embassy?
Me:Oh yes.

At Russian Embassy:
“Boris, where did all these damn ants come from?”