My kid asked me to hold her candy, took one look at my excited face and decided she should hold onto it instead, which was definitely the right call.
You Might Also Like
Today seems like a good day to wash my hair and take 10 selfies wearing 10 different shirts so I can pretend I look human on a regular basis
Olympic pairs curling but it’s just me and my Roomba working together to frantically clean the hardwood floors before the wife gets home.
my gf left me cuz I’m insecure
nvm she’s back she went pee
you should basically never start working until at least 10:30am. you should also start wrapping things up for the day around 3pm. and we musn’t forget about the traditional hour lunch.
“Jesus take the wheel” I say as the car hurtles down the highway
“Not that one” I whisper moments too late
If you watch Footloose during the pandemic, the minister who tells everyone not to dance is now the hero.
When I first started dating my wife she asked me what some of my dreams were. I told her one was about a T-Rex who didn’t get a job because he couldn’t tie a tie.
She meant goals
you know that feeling, as a kid, you’re out shopping with your mom, and
shopkeeper, be like $1,200,
then mom, without shame, be like $17.so you jump to death from the check-out desk.
Mom: I think I’ll name her Jenny.
Dr: I’m sorry, that name is already taken, but you can name her jenny_2828
My “friend” Adam gave me an electric toothbrush for my birthday. Completely unnecessary. My gas-powered toothbrush still runs fine, “Adam.”
The key to office success is to only have one of two things out on your desk at any time, things you’re working on or things that make you look busy.
If looks could kill
Cool prank:
Dig up 200 earthworms. I will tell you about the rest of the prank later
“Huge hole found growing on surface of Sun”
*drops string cheese*
“This hole is no cause for alarm”
*picks up string cheese*
I firmly believe in homeopathy because they cure everything with alcohol.
Do all gothic horror stories have to be in ancestral family homes? I am too poor for generational hauntings.
Not sure if I actually like movies or just like looking at something while I eat popcorn.
Judge: State your name.
Me: Not Guilty
Judge: What?
Me: I had it legally changed.
Judge: You’re Not Guilty?
Me: *moonwalks outta there*
7YO: Can you buy me a Ken so that Barbie can date him?
Me: Here just use this Captain America
4YO: (tearing into room) HE CAN’T DATE YOUR BARBIE HE’S BUSY GIVE HIM TO ME
Thrilled that my 5YO started reading chapter books.
Terrified that she’ll find out the words, pages and chapters I skipped during bedtime routine
I don’t understand parents who always think their kids are blameless, I always assume mine are guilty and hope to be pleasantly surprised
isaac newtown got hit in the head & invented calculus. i broke my nose last night when I was drunk & invented a louder version of crying.
INTERVIEWER: that’s not what I meant by “what’s your strong suit”
ME: oh *putting shirt back on over superman costume* I’m quite good at excel
Sometimes 6 is smart like her mom and other times she gets her head stuck in the footboard of her bed when she’s supposed to be sleeping.
I figured out the best time to go grocery shopping these days is at 3:45 AM, before the Girl Scouts even wake up. Ha, I’ll show them.
90% of having a cat is frantically telling your partner to quickly and quietly come into the room bc your cat is sitting in a cute position
*6 hours of Russian roulette*
Me: “I think I forgot to load a bullet in this gun.”
11: Why are cars delivered by ships called cargo but in a car it’s called a shipment?
Me: no more YouTube before bed.
I went to a friend’s house and she happened to have a scale so I weighed myself and guess what I don’t like that friend anymore
Husband’s on fire today. He’s made lunch for us both and the smoke alarm’s just gone off.