I always yell “FORE” when I’m throwing golf clubs out of my car at joggers.
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I took my sandwich out of the bag and I saw THIS! I went back and spoke with the manager an demanded an explanation. He looked confused, so I pointed at the writing and asked why someone felt the need to write it. He answered, “because you ordered a BLT with cheese?”🙈
It’s so weird that we’ve only have one American president named after a cartoon cat.
I like big MUTTS & I cannot lie
U other breeders can’t deny
When a dog walks in with a pretty mixed race & spots all on its face it gets PET
Interviewer: If you get this job what will you bring to the team?
Me: cake…I’ll bring cake
[humane society]
Me: Hi, I’d like one medium sized dog please.
Vet: That’s not—
Me: Oops, I’m sorry. One “grande” dog please.
Me: do you love natural peanut butter, but hate stirring it?
Construction Boss: I’m not questioning the concept, it’s just not your cement mixer
Underage me: pretends to be sick so I can sneak out window to go to a party
Older me: pretends to be sick so I don’t have to go to a party
Look sad dragging a kite on the ground at the park and sometimes people will let you join their picnic.
Him: Let’s go out tonight.
Me: It’s a work night and very late.
Him: It’s 5:00PM on a Friday.
Me: I’M EXHAUSTED. WHY CAN’T YOU HAVE AN AFFAIR LIKE MY FRIEND’S HUSBANDS?
Golf is probably fun if you like walking around outside in business casual.
Jesus: hey cheer up it’s nearly FriYAY!
judas: actually know what, I’m good now
what
I reply to “Happy New Year” with “not if I have anything to do with it.”
Q-tips specifically say NOT to put them in your ears yet that’s the only reason we buy them. We are not a species built for survival
Rich people don’t understand cereal
welcome to my podcast What Are Birds Thinking About where we speculate wildly about what birds might be thinking about today’s guest is once again not a bird
Dog: *turning in circles before she lays down*
Me: [extreme Ross voice] Pivot… Pi-VOT… PIVOT!
According to my wife I’m the best at driving over every pothole when she has to pee.
Me: it’s hot enough to fry an egg on the concrete
Public Health Inspector: temperature is not really the issue here
[4 y/o sticking charger into goldfish]
Me: WTF ARE YOU DOING
4 y/o: he died dad
Me: …
4 y/o: …
Me: well hurry up my phone is at 9%
My husband asked me yesterday what I would do with my time if money was no object, and apparently “buy out a Target and sit on top of my hoard like a manic-depressive dragon” was an incorrect response so idk.
ME (a plane scientist): ah yes, the plane is clearly thirsty
A moment of silence for the paycheck that was in my account for five minutes.
they say the average adult has sex 54 times a year. November and December are apparently going to be awesome
Husband: *trying to thread a needle with far too thick string
Me: That’s not gonna fit, it’s way too big.
H: You’ve said that before, but I have a 7 year old who proves otherwise.
Me: *giggles
7: You guys are being weird again.
Is there anything less intimidating than a cop on a bicycle?
Wobble on, agent of justice, wobble on.
[Sci fi movie]
How did you travel such a distance so fast?
“I went through a wormhole.”Worms in the audience: Omg this is so unrealistic.
Me [murdering the last vampire] it’s the final count down!
I have a Boo and a Bae. I guess you can say I have Boobaes.
I think it’s nice when bank robbers carpool.