Me: One day, when you’re older, I’m gonna come to your house and ask you for a snack every 5 min and beg you to take me places and buy me stuff constantly
9yo: …and I’ll say no to all of it, just like you do
I am 30 minutes into home schooling my 6 year old. I suggest that all school teachers are paid £1m per year from now on.
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First day as waiter
Boss: Can you clear table 5?
Me: Well I haven’t done track and field since high school but. *runs at table..
Where my American History knowledge comes from:
50% Forrest Gump
What doesn’t kill you, forces me to reload.
There is a trend of babies being named after characters in “Frozen”.
“That’s Stupid” says a 24 year old named Ariel.
I know you’re not supposed to hug the old lady giving out samples at Costco, but the sausage she gave me had cheese inside. Cheese.In.Side.
My kid told me an “old dead girl” lives in her room and whispers to her at night. I hope they get along cuz I’m never going in there again.
* wishes on shooting star
” the wish you have wished for has already been taken, please try again”
Ok America now is our chance to catch up on productivity, health care, math & science while the rest of the world is drunk & watching soccer
Boss: Are you drinking liquor at work?
*flashes back to pouring apple juice into a whiskey bottle bc I couldn’t find a thermos*