I am 30 minutes into home schooling my 6 year old. I suggest that all school teachers are paid £1m per year from now on.
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*Batman receives electric bill for Bat Signal*
“ALFRED WE’RE GETTING IPHONES.”
I may be middle-aged but I still have the student loan debt of a much younger man.
Who called them “homo erectus'” and not… Wait, that’s actually pretty funny. Good job guy who named them “homo erectus'”
Got a new stove today and then ordered a pizza because I don’t want to ruin it by getting it dirty or anything.
I wanted to look sharp!
Wore my smarty pants & thinking cap.
Then, I lost my shirt & knocked my socks off…
Now, I look like an idiom.
Someone tweets “pizza,” I want pizza.
Someone tweets “donut,” I want a donut.
Someone tweets “kale,” I want pizza and a donut.
Dear God, please turn my whistling coworker into a bird so he can fly far, far far away from here.
Unicorn: why can’t you create me again?
God: no one is going to believe a horse has a horn it’s too ridiculous.
Unicorn: I guess you’re right.
[Narwhal swims by]
Unicorn: w-was that a whale with a horn?
God:
Unicorn:
God: technically that’s a tooth.
Had a date today and it was nice. Will try raisins tomorrow
Nobody:
5-year-old: What happens if you rub butter on a penguin?
“Be there in 5,” I text, though I am 30 minutes away, completely nude, and engaged in a fist fight with a neighbor.
Every year my wife buys me Christmas gifts I didn’t ask for. Why would I need this many books about foreplay?
How confused about the world are you right now, on a scale of 0 to “trying to figure out a friend’s shower”
I’m trying to use this rotisserie to bbq an owl but he won’t stop looking at me.
“Can you tell me what the second to last letter in the alphabet is?”
“Y”
“So I can make a stupid joke”
Rating all the Nancy Drew books I’ve read on Goodreads so it looks like I’m smart or something.
The Purge: Valentine’s Day
“I know how to make an entrance.”
-guy who builds doors
guy who invented the wheel: one day everyone’s going to remember my name
When Prince Adam called upon the power of Greyskull and turned into He-Man, it didn’t make him bigger or stronger it just made him more naked
I was just thinking “oh shoot I forgot something” and it came out as “oh fruit”
u know that video of lions hugging that man after seeing him for the first time in several years. that’s what the raccoons do whenever i visit the dumpster behind my college dorm
My wife begged me to stop singing Outkast songs, so I was like, alright, alright, alright, alright, alright, alright, alright, alright, alri
ME ONLINE: all people deserve the same rights & quality of life
ME IN TRAFFIC: I HOPE EVERYONE IN THIS MINIVAN GETS EATEN BY RABID BADGERS
Good advice.
What if all the snakes on that plane were emotional support snakes?
*1st time at gym*
*picks up weight*
how do i equip this
*steps on treadmill*
can i get exp on here
*taps huge guy*
do you sell mana potions
Frankly auto correct,I’m getting tired of your shirt.
My new washing machine plays a tune very similar to an ice cream truck when it’s finished.
There’s no ice cream in there. I checked. Twice.
Not all crimes are bad. For example: If there was a crow sized hole in a bank vault & a crow decided to sneak into the vault to bring me a shiny coin, every day, for years… This would be good actually.