@rogermacginty

I am 30 minutes into home schooling my 6 year old. I suggest that all school teachers are paid £1m per year from now on.

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@Jenn_H_Scott

Me: One day, when you’re older, I’m gonna come to your house and ask you for a snack every 5 min and beg you to take me places and buy me stuff constantly

9yo: …and I’ll say no to all of it, just like you do

@d_duhwit

First day as waiter

Boss: Can you clear table 5?
Me: Well I haven’t done track and field since high school but. *runs at table..

@RCKruseKontrol

Where my American History knowledge comes from:
25% school
25% internet
50% Forrest Gump

@awescar

There is a trend of babies being named after characters in “Frozen”.

“That’s Stupid” says a 24 year old named Ariel.

@Cheeseboy22

I know you’re not supposed to hug the old lady giving out samples at Costco, but the sausage she gave me had cheese inside. Cheese.In.Side.

@MelvinofYork

My kid told me an “old dead girl” lives in her room and whispers to her at night. I hope they get along cuz I’m never going in there again.

@TheAlexP

* wishes on shooting star

” the wish you have wished for has already been taken, please try again”

@KenJennings

Ok America now is our chance to catch up on productivity, health care, math & science while the rest of the world is drunk & watching soccer

@SortaBad

Boss: Are you drinking liquor at work?
*flashes back to pouring apple juice into a whiskey bottle bc I couldn’t find a thermos*
“Yes”