(I am 6 months pregnant)
Me after ordering my coffee:
Stranger at Starbucks: you know you should be drinking decaf when you’re pregnant.
Me: I’m… not pregnant.
Stranger: (horrified) I am so, so sorry!
And that’s what you get for giving unsolicited advice.
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This is the goat we had on our business update meeting last week 👀
i don’t really hate you but if you were falling off a cliff
i would be waving good bye
*brings change of clothes in case they serve ribs*
People always say reading romance novels will ruin dating for you like it’s a bad thing
No thanks, Genie. I’m not falling for the old “rub the magic lamp” trick again.
you haven’t truly known fear until a long-forgotten furby in the back of your bedroom closet starts screaming in an australian accent at 3am
if I am elected governor I will eat your pillow while you sleep and unlike my opponent I will also do it if I am not elected
ATTORNEY: my client would like to confess
ME: i sell human organs on the black market
JUDGE [who needs a kidney transplant]: tell me more
I wonder if Jeremy Irons ever quietly laughs to himself while he’s ironing.
Kids: Always remember to brush your drugs and don’t do teeth.
Not enough arguments are settled with a dance off.
Some mistakes you only make once, like sniffing your kids’ clothes to see if they’re dirty or clean
my mom: you still coming over today?
me: definitely
mom: great I have a few things from IKEA for you to put tog—
me: i cant make it
There’s no problem you can’t solve with a great night of dancing.
Except for a broken foot.
Then you should see a doctor.
“LINES OF COKE” is the only acceptable answer to yell from the bathroom when someone asks you a stupid question like what are you doing in there
You know you drank too much last night when you have to use google maps to locate yourself the next morning.
Met a girl last night and went back to her place. I noticed in her wardrobe that she has a nurses outfit, maids outfit and a policewomans outfit, so I made my excuses and left.
If she can’t hold a job down she isn’t the girl for me.
Astronomer: hey look, a meteor shower!
Meteor: *scrubbing pits* a little privacy, perv.
I thought the CVS guy was going to ask me to join the rewards program but he said “enjoy your night” so I said “not today, thanks” and left.
Well, Lassie, maybe it’s time for Timmy to learn a hard lesson about watching where he’s going.
Batman had the bat signal.
If you need to get my attention, hold a Roast Beef Sandwich over a floor lamp and aim it at my apartment.
5-year-old daughter: *looks in the mirror* Can you get me something to match my cowboy boots?
Me: What?
5-year-old: A horse.
customer: have you worked here a long time
me, a waiter: 14 years sir
customer: wow ok what do you recommend
me: finishing college
Me at 15: who wouldn’t want immortality, I want to live forever!
Me at 35: oh
Me: Sorry, I don’t have any alcohol in the house.
Her: Oh, you don’t drink?
Me: No, I drink. I just drink faster than other people…
Here, take my hand. Now slap yourself with it.
“Teaching sex ed in school will only make kids want to have sex“ yeah right, I had math in school and it really made me wanna math hard all the time
Sorry I sprayed bug spray in your face. Those fake eyelashes scared the hell out of me.