I am a:
⚪️ boy
⚪️ girl
🔘 dormant ancient forest spiritseeking a:
⚪️ lover
⚪️ friend
🔘 mortal to accidentally open a cursed text and release me from my slumber to seek revenge on those who sought to bind my power
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My bumper sticker says “My kid is your honor student’s drug dealer.”
Sure, tell me about the dream you had. It will give me a chance to count my teeth with my tongue.
people will criticize your dreams. “you can’t marry the moon.” “being sad is not a real job.” “stop summoning the devil.” ignore them. be real. be yourself. start a cult.
If I hadn’t heard these words my entire life, “nooks and crannies” would sound like slurs
my neighbour ryan: I was at a zombie walk we all dressup and walk around downtown
me holding an axe: I wanna believe you ryan I really do
Inflation is out of control. Bought a picture today for 1400 words.
A shark could swim faster than me, but I could probably run faster than a shark. So in a triathlon, it would all come down to who is the better cyclist.
My middle son has two imaginary horses that he always brings to my house
It’s really sweet, but it’s costing me a fortune in imaginary hay
Maroon 5 is playing. The crowd goes mild
WIFE: Hey why are all our potatoes dressed in tiny outfits and arranged in a little scene?
ME: [hiding Photato Album] Why? Do you like it?
My little sister is bringing her black boyfriend to my grandparents’ house for Thanksgiving so I’m bringing popcorn and a comfortable chair.
me: hang on, I’m just gonna jump in the shower
me, in shower: *jumping*
I don’t need a New Year’s resolution, it’s the year’s turn to be better.
Breathe in deeply, eat a rotisserie chicken, breathe out.
God: you’re a pack animal.
Wolf: what does that mean?
God: it means you live with other wolves.
Wolf: like all the time?
God: yep!
Wolf: d-do I have to?
God:
Wolf:
God:
Wolf: [slides $20 across table].
God: [pockets money] you’re a lone wolf.
Wolf: yay : )
It’d be ironic if deaf people hung out in heards.
My wife dared me to yell out “HURRY UP HAYDEN” at Disney World. Now we have 27 blonde boys & 8 girls following us like Children of the Corn.
Don’t be jealous but my kids managed to have 14 different fights in the 5 minute drive home from school.
vanessa carlton drove a piano one thousand miles to get to the one she loved and i can’t even get a text back.
Marriage 1st Year.
Husband: Hey, beautiful, I’ve got candles lit and sexy music, ready for a night of romance?
Me: *blushes*Marriage 6th Year:
Husband: The kids are asleep, wanna have sex real quick?
Me: I literally just poured the milk on my cereal.
4yo: can you get this open for me?
Me: oomph this is kinda tough
4yo: use your claws
Accidentally got two shots of hand sanitizer so if you need me I’ll be rubbing my hands together for the rest of my life.
me: i don’t like talking about myself
random girl at a party: hi how’s it goin’
me: look jessica, it all started when i was six years old
My husband just showed me two pairs of khakis and asked me which one he should wear tonight. This is a trick, right?
*(whispering)they’re both the same
Boss: Remember to only use your new laptop for job related things
Me: [Using laptop to search for a new job]
If Die Hard isn’t a Christmas movie why do I spend the holidays hiding in the vents of my workplace?
Why do people say raw sewage. Saying raw makes it sound like it becomes better if cooked properly.
Betrayal Treasury, Age 5:
Instead of ice cream after my tonsillectomy, a lime popsicle, the texture of which I do not enjoy.
I don’t mind being fully naked or my top half being naked, but I hate being naked from the waist down only. This is why I could never be a cartoon duck
The 7-yr old has the flu so I’m letting her lick the envelopes of all my credit card bills.