Some guys look classy carrying a flask. I look like a degenerate alcoholic, I dunno, maybe it’s my trackpants. Who’s house is this?
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“Thanks for turning me into an expression of contempt. Sorry about making delicious nourishment so damned accessible.”
-Low-hanging fruit
Cop: Why were you driving so fast in this rain?
Me: I thought no cops would want to get out in this rain.
Yeah I can fight, I’m professionally trained in the style of panic attack.
My son shut off location sharing on his phone and now I have to call my mom and apologize for causing her crippling anxiety every night from 1984 to 1987.
Ways To Win My Heart:
1) Be smoking hot
2) Be thin
3) Be a pig
4) Be bacon
still not “these beanie babies are going to be worth so much later on” rich and it hurts.
Americans: “Beans on toast? Gross.”
Also Americans:
Showing that you can fit your fist in your mouth on the first date is only sexy if you can get it back out afterwards
“Can you move it? Then it’s not broken. Go play.”
– Dad Medicine 101
Me: oh man, I love the 80s
My grandparents: we have names
Sometimes, during the movie previews, I’ll turn to the stranger sitting next to me and whisper, “We should really go see that together.”
Yelp review: Dating
You have to brush your hair and leave the house. Most places won’t let you bring your cat.
Would not recommend.
You have a really old bottle of hair care product in your shower. You have a pre-existing conditioner.
Body: I need water.
Me: Diet Coke?
Body: No, water.
Me: Wine?
Body: NO, WATER!
Me: Coffee it is.
Am not being sponsored to say this but if anyone is looking for a way to make swallowing food easier, try using “Teeth”. I recently began using teeth while eating and it’s reduced the number of Heimlich manoeuvres I receive per month by over 94% 👍
Friend: I got a job as a carpenter, but it sucks.
Me: No prob, just learn a few magic tricks and people will worship you as their savior.
WAITER: Ready to order?
GIANT WORM IN TRENCHCOAT: Bring me dirt from the grave!
W: We cannot
GWIT: I HUNGER FOR CORPSE EARTH
W: Again no
Things that are dangerous-
-riding a motorcycle
-sharks
-riding sharks
Andrew Garfield implies the existence of Andrew Nermal and Andrew Odie
#gardening
dry skin? flaky scalp?
discoloration? scaling?
tongue bifurcating all by itself?
hissing? legs fusing together?
recently evicted a gypsy?
Son, take a look around you…
*motions to piles of unpaid bills*
Someday all of this will be all yours.
Me: [from inside a sealed cardboard box] I’m the total package.
Everyone else at speed dating:
Remember: when you kiss someone’s elbow, you’re also kissing the gut of every person they’ve ever elbowed.
My wheelchair keeps making a screaming noise when I run over people.
Just FYI if a DJ or children’s entertainer tells you to “make some noise”, never make the most amount of noise you can the first time, because chances are they’ll tell you that they can’t hear you and you’ll have to make even more noise
BOSS: quit listening to Vanilla Ice, participate in the meeting, and pay attention
ME: so… stop, collaborate, and listen?
BOSS: you’re fired
me: our son was just arrested for a violent crime
wife: omg battery?
me: about 90% but focus
Just had an Aha moment
Then a Duran Duran moment
Then a Eurythmics moment
Watching two cars with reindeer hood antlers rutting for a parking spot and I’ve never felt more David Attenborough.