“I am a gift to this earth.”
[Earth regifts me]
“I am a gift to KELT-1b of the Andromeda Galaxy”
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[family WhatsApp group]
me: I’ll visit this weekend
dad: OK
mom is typing…
mom is typing…
mom is typing…
mom is typing…
mom is typing…
mom is typing…
mom is typing…
mom is typing…
mom is typing…
mom is typing…
mom is typing…mom: bring a sweater, it’s cold
Finally got the “Josh Duggar is good” neck tattoo I’ve wanted for years, now let me just read today’s news as I take a large sip of water…
My black cat just ate my four leaf clover. That can’t be good…….
*rubs lamp/genie appears*
*makes me listen to ads before each wish*
God: what are they doing down there?
Angel: they are making milk from almonds
God: what?! I gave them, like, 8 animals to get milk from
A: they dont like that milk
God: [mockingly] tHey DonT LiKe THat miLk *flips a table*
If Superman were a realtor, he could describe literally any apartment in the world as ‘a stone’s throw from the beach’.
Me – You almost ready?
Wife – Just a few more minutes. What time do we have to be there?
Me – Yesterday at 7.
*wraps bacon in bacon wrapped bacon*
Son, I found some drugs in your backpack
“Dad I swear they’re not mine”
DAMMIT SUSAN, THEY ARENT HIS. 1st time we were proud and you blew it
Have donuts and coffee, will travel.
We had TikTok when I was a kid, except it was called ‘Funniest Home Video Show’, and everyone agreed that 30 minutes once a week was quite enough of it.
I’m going to remember this night forever!!!
Tequila – You sure about that?
The wife & I fought last night. Saying things that can’t be taken back. Like perishable goods. Baby food. DVDs with broken seals. Underwear.
if you’re out and you see a heart attacking someone you’re allowed to make a cardiac arrest no questions asked
date: so what do you do?
me: *recalling how I deface every mesh window covering I see with Sharpie* I’m a screenwriter
You can tell a lot about a person just by noticing how they continue to talk after you’ve sighed six or seven times.
[phone rings]
“Mr Hughes?”
“Yeah.”
“We need u to come pick yr son up from school.”
“Ugh. Whats he done now?”
“Nothing. Its nearly midnight.”
[visiting hours at prison]
BEAR WIFE: How are you coping?
BEAR: I miss the woods.
BW: The tranquility?
BEAR: No, I really need a shit.
archeologist 1: with the rosetta stone we can finally translate hieroglyphics!
archeologist 2: nice! what does this bird symbol mean?
archaeologist 1: looks like they’re saying…bird
archaeologist 2: hm ok.. and the cat symbol?
archaeologist 1: …you’re not gonna believe this
Imagine going on a date with someone holding a fish in their dating profile picture and when you get to the restaurant it’s just a salmon sitting there waiting
🎵 that’s me in the corner
that’s me drinkin’ hot sprite
trying to catch a pigeon
Wife fell off the bed and I laughed so hard that I’ll be sleeping on the floor tonight with the cat.
11 famous chickens who flew the coop, number 7 will surprise you
– cluckbait
One day I hope to be doing so well that people accuse me of being a clone
Don’t hate the game, hate the player who keeps sending you Facebook invites to play the game.
ARSONIST: I will be the firefighter’s greatest enemy.
GUY WHO PUTS CATS IN TREES: I will also be that.
What idiot called it Kenny Loggins describing how he visited Bethlehem to see the Christ child and not “I went to the Manger Zone”?
Merry Christmas everyone
I was planning to take a flu shot until I found out it isn’t a kind of drink.
Rose: Paint me like your French girls.
Jack: With armpit hair?
hey maybe ur parents care so much about ur birthday becuase it celebrates how long theyve been able to keep something alive for