I am a gravy boat captain
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Best thing about drinking in downtown LA is that if u need a bathroom, it’s all around you
[hanging up the phone] sorry that was my sensei. he said he’s turned evil and I’m probably the only student with the potential to stop him. So I have to go home now
[twirling my bra above my head like a helicopter and it gets stuck on the ceiling fan, im launched thru window into neighbors yard]
me: hey
“Can you validate my parking?”
“You parked beautifully. Your dad would be proud.”
*wipes away tears* “Thanks.”
Flying Monkey: Notice she only calls us “pretties” when she wants something.
8- “Mom, where do babies come from?”
Me- “From backrubs honey.”
you question the benefit of a $1000 stimulus payment and I challenge you to name a problem 1k donuts can’t solve
Homeschooling isn’t going great but at least my son has learned the skill of hiding in the bathroom in case he has kids one day
I hate when I’m hanging up my clothes and I find an unused exercise bike from 1987.
My wife thinks she was able to finally get rid of my favorite chair on the neighborhood free page except it’s actually me coming to pick it up later.
me: [being beaten w/ nightstick] are u a virgo
cop: GET ON THE GROUND
me: that’s such a virgo thing to say
The timeline of microwave popcorn:
< 1 minute: No popcorn
1-2:30: 4 pieces of perfectly popped popcorn
2:31-2:35: You did it. This is perfect. Good jo-
> 2:36: The ashes of what once could have been great, symbolizing your life’s wasted potential
“I wonder what’s on tv right now,” he thought 2002ishly.
Idris Elba should be the next Mr Bean
WATSON: It appears the victim died upon entering the bathroom
HOLMES: And how did you deduce he wasn’t leaving?
WATSON: No shit, Sherlock.
PRIEST: does anyone object to this marriage
ME: (clearing throat)
BRIDE:
GROOM:
PRIEST:
ME: i accidentally swallowed a Lego just now
My kids super power is knowing he won’t like a food before he even tries it
Fun fact: At the end of Titanic, when all the people are dying in the water, if you listen very closely, you can hear a faint, “Marco” and then an even fainter, “Polo.”
A cop pulled me over because he thought I was talking on a cell phone but really I was just rubbing a slice of pizza on the side of my face
[First Date]
Me: I can’t believe we’re on a date! It’s not cause my fathers rich is it?
Him: No. He’s very handsome too
Me: CHECK PLEASE
This guy next to me thinks I’m flirting, but really I’m just trying to see where he parks so I can steal his gas
Woke up with no money. I was robbed last night by a guy who looks exactly like me, but drunker.
I experienced this today. I decided I’m a genius. 😂
Don’t you love it when you’re doing a nude selfie in a leather harness and you accidentally press answer on your mom’s face time?
oh shit. i’m at a doctors appointment, and i legit forgot to take the sugar glider out of my sports bra. let’s hope she stays asleep!!!
Your french fries are just my french fries on the wrong plate.
Anytime I’m watching something on tv my wife starts talking to me as if her words are going to expire if she doesn’t use them.
Them: Holy shit. How high are you?
Me: *6 minutes later* No, you are.
Please don’t ask me to repeat myself I wasn’t listening either
Mom, can you come pick me up? I’m at a party and someone is coughing.