@CrockettForReal

I am a gravy boat captain

You Might Also Like

@Schmoodles

I’m doing ‘Angry Yoga’ tonight.

It’s just lying on a mat and drinking a bottle of wine as I shout at my thighs.

@Crunk_Jews

This midlife crisis has a lot less bank heists and high speed car chases than I had imagined.

@NourHadidi

“Sleep is for the dead”. Yeah cos you look so alive when you’re yawning. #stupidsayings

@MarfSalvador

interviewer: please, sit down

me: thank you

interviewer: not on my lap

@ONHERPERlOD

Why are middle school girls skipping the awkward stage & going straight to pretty? No no, you get braces &wear blue eyeshadow. Do your time.

@LindaInDisguise

Me: It’s been 3 years, but I’m finally making progress on my book.

Friend: You’re writing a book?

Me: No. I meant the book I’m reading.

@dumbbeezie

Dear websites I don’t give a shit what you do with my cookies right now

@ValeeGrrl

My neighbor’s 2yo is on my front lawn shouting NO NO NO NO. Not sure what she’s protesting but I’m gonna go join her.

@audipenny

person texting me: hey I’m outside

me: [covered in glue and accidentally tripping onto a pile of several thousand photos of you] uh HANG ON