I am a gravy boat captain

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I’m doing ‘Angry Yoga’ tonight.

It’s just lying on a mat and drinking a bottle of wine as I shout at my thighs.


This midlife crisis has a lot less bank heists and high speed car chases than I had imagined.


“Sleep is for the dead”. Yeah cos you look so alive when you’re yawning. #stupidsayings


interviewer: please, sit down

me: thank you

interviewer: not on my lap


Why are middle school girls skipping the awkward stage & going straight to pretty? No no, you get braces &wear blue eyeshadow. Do your time.


Me: It’s been 3 years, but I’m finally making progress on my book.

Friend: You’re writing a book?

Me: No. I meant the book I’m reading.


Dear websites I don’t give a shit what you do with my cookies right now


My neighbor’s 2yo is on my front lawn shouting NO NO NO NO. Not sure what she’s protesting but I’m gonna go join her.


person texting me: hey I’m outside

me: [covered in glue and accidentally tripping onto a pile of several thousand photos of you] uh HANG ON