I’m doing ‘Angry Yoga’ tonight.
It’s just lying on a mat and drinking a bottle of wine as I shout at my thighs.
I am a gravy boat captain
You Might Also Like
This midlife crisis has a lot less bank heists and high speed car chases than I had imagined.
“Sleep is for the dead”. Yeah cos you look so alive when you’re yawning. #stupidsayings
LIFE HACK: solve every murder mystery by being the murderer
interviewer: please, sit down
me: thank you
interviewer: not on my lap
Why are middle school girls skipping the awkward stage & going straight to pretty? No no, you get braces &wear blue eyeshadow. Do your time.
Me: It’s been 3 years, but I’m finally making progress on my book.
Friend: You’re writing a book?
Me: No. I meant the book I’m reading.
Dear websites I don’t give a shit what you do with my cookies right now
My neighbor’s 2yo is on my front lawn shouting NO NO NO NO. Not sure what she’s protesting but I’m gonna go join her.
person texting me: hey I’m outside
me: [covered in glue and accidentally tripping onto a pile of several thousand photos of you] uh HANG ON